Snap Fitness bs, depressed, just over it. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so work was just downright ridiculous last night. Everyone I loved seeing everyday is now either working at the other store, is training somewhere far away or has since quit. I feel really singled out, bullied, replaced or ignored and it’s driving me crazy! I finally blew up on someone yesterday and it felt amazing. I had texted my boss asking if I could change positions but she was super nice and told me not to let people get to me. I just don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to deal with that place. I’m just fucking over it!

I’ve spent some time crying and feeling pretty down today. I don’t know if it’s just my job, or not losing weight fast enough or what’s going on with me but I need to get out of this funk I’m in. I’ve been thinking about the things I lost and I just miss my ex when he was nice and I miss my car. I can’t believe it’s been 8 months without her. I never thought I’d be without that car and here it’s been this many months.

I went to Gordman’s today in search of a new pair of jeans and I found a couple so I went into the changing rooms and hated what I saw in the mirror. I hate how big I am and I don’t know anyone my size could feel good about themselves. I’m so ugly and hate what I see when I look in a fucking mirror. People who care about me tell me that I’m stunning and beautiful but I know they say that shit just to be nice. I can see in the mirror what I look like and I fucking hate it. I know I’m ugly and that’s why I’m single. No guy in his right fucking mind that’s worth a fuck is gonna want to be with me, especially while I’m this big. It’s just crazy how much I’ve let myself go and all the weight I had lost is back and then some. I just don’t know what to do, I feel so frustrated and impatient.

Then, I come home last night in a super pissed off, lonely, need to fill that void kind of mood so I posted an ad on CL. Yes I know I’ve repeatedly said I wouldn’t do that anymore and again, I was proven why it’s never a good idea. So this guy starts to email me, seems pretty legit up until it came time to possibly be friends on Facebook (I told him I had seen him on there and asked if he wanted me to send a friend request to see what I look like) and said something about how he would look at my pic but doesn’t add friends who are female unless they are family. Hmm. Ok RED FLAG! That instantly turned me off so I didn’t bother to send a friend request or respond to his email. I’m just glad I had lied about where I worked. I’m not sure why I took that so bad, probably because of the obvious which is I in the future want to be friends with my significant other on Facebook, otherwise I feel like they are trying to hide something. I mean, who knows maybe I took it completely wrong but I just found this to be questionable and sketchy and decided we didn’t need to go any further.

I admit I’m super bummed because I had creeped his Facebook and liked what I saw. He was a handsome guy, liked to be outdoorsy, liked to work on cars and was good with his hands. I could picture myself hanging out with him at his shop while he painted his cars and then BAM! I’m brought back into reality that I live in a shit hole where love just doesn’t happen, for me anyways. I just need to stop even having my heart open at all. I need to stop believing there’s someone out there for me and that person might be here where I live because it’s just not realistic. I need to understand that I’m never going to find what I’m looking for and I need to just stop trying.

Most of the time I’m pretty much happy and satisfied with my life as I’m pretty set in my ways and comfortable with my life but I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to find a nice guy that would want me in his life, that would be nice to me, and would show me that love is a good thing and I deserve to have it in my life. It just sucks that I’m never going to find what I’ve wanted my whole life. That I’m just too ugly and fat for anyone to want anything more than a one night stand.

Ok I’m going to talk about the gym thing now. Alright so I go into Snap Fitness (I’m going to say what it’s called but not where it’s at) on Monday. I give the lady my free 7 day pass and then she mentions the 40 day pass so I tell her that I’d seen that one too but didn’t know what it was about as I didn’t have time to read about it because I had to leave for work so she said that she would just give it to me so I was like that’s awesome. Well she gives me my little plastic card (so I can get in the door as it’s a 24 hour gym) and then calls back later telling me she needs the numbers off of it as she forgot to get them. Alright I give them to her. So I go yesterday (after rushing to get out of class and getting a bunch of paperwork for my fucking landlord) to actually go work out because I was super excited. Well I wasn’t there 5 minutes and this other bitch who worked there comes over to me (I’m on a machine where it works your leg muscles) and has this accusatory tone asking me if I knew the 40 day free membership was $8.95 or some shit. I tell her I did NOT know that and she proceeds to tell me that I needed to walk over to the front counter with her so we can talk to the lady that had originally signed me up on Monday. At this point, I feel incredibly uncomfortable, attacked and just ready to take off running. The other lady who had signed me up for free membership was being a tad nicer but I was still super uncomfortable because I felt attacked, asked for the numbers off of my door card again and I said, “well you can just have it because you guys have both made this super uncomfortable” and I handed them the door card and walked out the door! It had not been a great day yesterday anyway so this was just the last fucking straw for me so I came home, cried because I was angry and uncomfortable, and then played my dance game for Wii. I felt really anxious (as I do have agoraphobia) and I cried because I felt relieved for getting out of there as before I left, my hands were shaking and my heart was racing and I was so glad to get away from that situation. I will confess there’s been times I’ve had panic attacks so fierce, I’ve actually wet my pants.

I played my dance game for awhile, long enough to feel tired and super sweaty and decided I was STILL pissed that this bitch was so fucking rude to me so I called the other Snap Fitness we have here and talked to the manager. She said she had heard what happened and was going to call me and ask me about it. I was pretty annoyed that she kept talking over me and wasn’t totally interested and hearing about how rude her employee was to me but told me that they would love to have me come back, she said that one that was rude to me will not be there as she works at the other store and if I decided to join, they would waive the activation fee or whatever. Well, all that made me feel a tad better but I still have not gone back. I told them that as long as that bitch wouldn’t be there, I’d come in today but I just have too much going on emotionally to deal with having to worry about someone being mean to me again. I just can’t bring myself to go back there. I don’t know if it’s just because I’ve had a rough couple of days or I just can’t help but still be super upset over yesterday, but I’m not going back.

This lady acted as if I was trying to rip them off or something. I had no idea that the 40 day FREE membership wasn’t actually free! It’s not my fault I was not properly informed and don’t appreciate someone attacking me the way she did or something that wasn’t as big of an issue as she had it out to be! The other lady told me that part of the problem is that their computer was down so my information wasn’t in the computer so the bitch that went off on me didn’t see me on their records but STILL could have handled things in a more respectful manner. She could have asked the other lady about me before assuming I didn’t belong there as I had the door key to get in! She just assumed the worst before finding out the truth!

I seriously live in one of the rudest places on Earth. Almost daily, I deal with people who are being obnoxiously rude for NO FUCKING REASON! I don’t understand it because I still treat people decent when I’m grumpy so I wish that other people could be that way. I honestly believe that people are mean and rude all to ruin someone’s day. I can’t fucking stand how rude people are here.

Alright so I’m back to square one with the whole gym thing. I still want to go but I want to be able to feel comfortable working out and not have to worry about someone acting like I’m stealing or something. I’ve called the YMCA and it would only be like $100 to start and I may qualify for a discount as I’m a college student and I don’t make a lot of money so if I get off early enough tonight I’m gonna go down there and fill out the paperwork for that. The YMCA is my first choice anyway since they have an amazing pool, water aerobics classes that I used to enjoy and people are a lot friendlier there. I do believe everything happens for a reason and probably what happened yesterday with that rude bitch that chased my out the door at Snap Fitness is so that I would just go to the YMCA, which is a better fit for me anyways. It sucks that it’s a lot more expensive that what I would like to pay but I would love to be able to go swimming, especially since I haven’t gotten to go since the last time I was there which has been probably about a year or more. I love swimming and it’s a great way to lose weight and it doesn’t make my back hurt!

My social anxiety isn’t as bad as it used to be but I still have those moments where I can feel myself starting to go into a fucking panic attack and that’s why yesterday when I felt like those women at Snap Fitness were being rude and attacking me, I just had to get away. I wasn’t about to let them get the satisfaction of pushing me into a full blown panic attack where I either start crying or pee my pants. I am too prideful to give people that. They don’t deserve that control over someone like me who yeah I’m a pretty tough person but when I’m completely out of my element (in a place that I’ve never been before) and I’m by myself, I know how close I am to a fucking panic attack. It makes me furious to know that because that lady was a fucking bitch to me and pretty much got away with it because she didn’t have to answer for it. The manager was just going to waive my membership fee and the other lady apologized to me FOR HER. So why does she not have to take any responsibility for how she fucking acted?!

I just feel like if people wanted your business and wanted to see you succeed in your weight loss goals, they could actually handle treating you like an actual human being! It’s just bullshit how this bitch chased me out the door and probably didn’t even get chewed out for it! I just feel like if businesses around here actually cared about getting business from people, they could handle being nice to people! I wouldn’t have to worry about customers at my job if I was rude because I wouldn’t have a fucking job! It’s just bullshit how fucking rude and how unwilling these people are around here! It’s really rare when you go into a business and people are not at all friendly, don’t want to help you and don’t have to care how they treat other people! Even if I’m not a customer, I would still like to be treated like an actual human being!

So it’s about that time for me to get ready for work. I’m really hopeful it’s going to be a better night or I’m going to come unglued! I’m tired of people being rude to me or just being negative in general! I’m seriously going to start telling people to fuck off! I feel like after last night, I am going to snap if I don’t start being as forward as I need to be. I’ve gotten a lot better but I still take way too much before I snap! I want to tell people off right away and not just let it slide because I work with them and don’t want things to be awkward but hey, if they don’t care how they are making me upset or uncomfortable then why the fuck should I care if I treat them the same way!?!?!?!?!?