Project Launch in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

(1) Looking at everything going on; I think my wife’s issue is (still is) this clinical depression thing she refuses to acknowledge or deal with. She has ADD, she thinks she has Asperger’s, so she “doesn’t want to think about having something else.” She is, in many ways, a real queen of excuses. She doesn’t want to take more pills, she doesn’t want to try to find a therapist, she doesn’t want to take the time off work, etcetera etcetera. Meanwhile-

She feels hopeless a lot about her life in general; especially about work and her future. She is overly critical of herself and those closest to her. Her outbursts of anger and anxiety are (as demonstrated on Friday) increasing. She’s feeling incredibly indecisive, has had a headache for the last 4 days, and she feels tired all the time. A common depression symptom is loss of interest in pleasurable activities like sex, hobbies, or social interactions. This may also show up as neglecting responsibilities and physical grooming. My wife is quite sincerely exhibiting all the signs of clinical depression. I’ll bring it up with her tonight or tomorrow… I am very hopeful that I can convince her that all of her excuses on why not to take care of it are bunk. A genuine thought occurs: I don’t care if her “getting better” saves our marriage, I just want her to get better because I care about her.

(2)
This is the start of my new writing project. I am damned near obsessed with the past. I don’t know why. I think it may be a function of my pain disorder, my anger, my style of learning, my entertainment preferences… whatever it is- I am continually haunted by every missed opportunity, mistake, or minor flub in my past. Because of this, my mind always thinks “If I could only transport my present day consciousness into my past self.” That is what this new writing project will be. Exploring those moments that I’d like to change, considering how I would change them, and trying to hypothesize as to what might actually come of it were any of it possible.

Invariably the “Best Starting Point” always seems to be 1998. First and foremost, I wanted to try to figure this out. After all, 1998 was 8th grade and I was 14. There are plenty of things that happened before then that I’m sure I would have liked to change, or linger on, or alter. There were bullies, and dating mistakes, and social problems that I’m sure I could do without. But every single time I think about “how early would I go back” the answer is always 1998.

In 1998, I went on my first real no-parents adventure. It was one of those big trips where students go visit Washington DC and it involves air travel, bus travel, and hotel stays… all without parents and all at the age of 14. Of course, made ever so much more interesting by the fact that there were really only ever 1 chaperone for every 7 kids (at best.) So… it was the first trip where I got to find out who I was without my parents there! Ever since then, my decisions and my life have been ever more increasingly mine to ruin. And ruin, I may have. But… here’s the thing… this project (long and ego-centric as it may be) is really about WHAT I’d change, WHY I’d change it. I’ll start with the specifics soon. There are a handful (likely a very large handful) of things in that DC trip that I would change.