Time to spare in Rambling sane thoughts of the terminally me

Well, I’ve got a week off. It’s not really time to spare (“what, your entry title was a lie Adam? Goodness knows you’ve never done that before”) since I’ve got to get the rest of the stuff about moving out of the old flat sorted.

This move has been hard work. The new flat is significantly smaller than the old one and, even though it’s just me and my brother, this has meant a life purge was required. I don’t mind these as I am one of natures hoarders and the occasional purge reminds me to get rid of crap that never sees the light of day. Alot of my books have gone because I’m never going to read them again and most of my DVD collection as I can pretty much download anything I want or watch it on Netflix or other streaming sites. The only stuff I’ve really kept are things that’ll never appear in those locations or movies that have extreme sentimental value to me, such as “the Crow” and “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. I even purged a great deal of my “Bad zombie movie” collection because I simply don’t watch most of them any more. Only a few which are too bad to contemplate made the grade of coming across in case I ever find myself in need of a good laugh.

To be honest, I could use a good laugh right now. This move has me badly stressed out. I’ve had to move my stuff, Dannys stuff and, because he’s frickin’ useless, Sheps stuff. How the guy ever thought he was going to get all his crap out by dead-line I have no idea. Don’t get me wrong, I love Shep dearly but his organisational skills are, shall we say, sub par. Anyways he’s moving in with his missus and I wish them all the best but I’m going to have to run a bunch more of his stuff over tomorrow for him as there’s still no way he’ll get it done on time.
In addition to that I have to make sure the old flat is spick and span so I can get the deposit back. This is exceptionally important as the deposit is 600 pounds and I need that to get some stuff for the new flat and some new break pads for the car.

So all this has meant I’ve been doing the moving stuff on a daily basis since we got the keys on the 5th. Which means I haven’t had a full day off in 17 days. Which means my brain has turned to soup.

Oh yeah, and I’ll be reviewing that particular episode sometime very soon.

So, pudding brained (hmmm, pudding and soup both referenced as the brains of humans in Doctor Who recently) and tired has made me very miserable. It’s weird how you don’t understand a word truly when you’re not experiencing it. I use the word miserable all the time but there’s no feeling behind it usually. At the moment I feel truly miserable.

Oh woe is me, poor old Adam. I know, right? I don’t deal well with my feelings at the best of times and this one is no exception. I keep trying to rationalise it even though I know it’s completely irrational. I should be in a really positive mind set. I’m moving into a MUCH nicer flat in a nicer area with better parking and that section of my life is definitely on the up but all I can focus on is the actual act of moving itself.

The diet has been temporarily suspended because I just can’t get the vigor behind it at the mo’; I’m WAY behind on my exercise regime; I don’t feel like doing anything. I’d say I’m lethargic but I’ve got all this bottled energy and nothing to do with it (or nothing I want to do with it) so the mad dreams and the insomnia have started up again.

I had a horrible dream the other night where I killed my brother. There was a zombie apocalypse (which is pretty much the par of the course for me, I’ve been having that dream as long as I can remember. I often think that’s why I like zombie movies. They normalise it for me) and I was going to go out and kill the zombies and Danny wouldn’t let me. It all descended into an argument which ended with a fight. Somehow in the fight I pushed him to the ground and jumped on his back, breaking his spine. Now, my dreams run the gamut between vague and life like but this was in the realms of 4D cinemax effect. I felt his back go. I felt the anger and the hatred towards him as I did it and then the grief once that anger subsided. I am disgusted that there is a part of myself that would dream that.

I know there’s always the old argument for dreams of them being metaphors but I remember wanting to do it. I don’t know whether I wanted to do it to Dan or if it was all my pent up frustration and rage finding an escape but it felt real and those of you who have those sort of dreams will agree that the lingering effects are hard to escape even when you’re back in the real world.

Don’t worry, this isn’t a confession. I haven’t murdered my brother and dumped the body and I don’t want to. Dan’s one of my closest friends but since the dream I keep looking at him and thinking “Why did I kill you?”

Well, Dream moods tells me this

“To dream that you kill someone indicates that you are on the verge of losing your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards her or him in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself which of these qualities you are trying to put an end to.”

Which could be true, I suppose. I’ve been angry at Dan before though and never dreamed of killing him (well, idle day-dreams but those don’t count) and there’s been no change to the characteristics I associate with him or myself to my conscious knowledge.

The very next night I dreamed that I had been driving when I suddenly realised I was drunk. There was a passenger in the car (I can’t remember who but it was a girl) and I realised that I’d put her in danger. So I pulled over the car and we left it. I can’t even remember where we were supposed to be going but I do remember going back to get the car and it being gone. Now what the hell does THAT mean? Well, once again, Dream Moods thinks it knows everything

“To dream that you are driving drunk indicates that your life is out of control. Some relationship or somebody is dominating you.”

So, at the point my life is more under my control that it has been in a decade I feel more out of control then I ever have in my life? Yeah, actually that sounds a lot like me. Stupid brain.

All this has, as you can probably tell, run me under a bit. I want to get better. I truly do. I am trying really hard but I have to get practically and emotionally at the same time or the whole thing falls out of kilter.

I just wish I had the time to focus on the emotional aspect more but the practical aspect of living keeps getting in the way and now more than usual I don’t have time for self-reflection. This is the first chance I’ve had to sit and compile these feelings in the last month. Aren’t you glad I decided to take the time to share them with you?

So yeah. In a practical sense, things moving forward, all is good yay me. Emotionally? Yeah, that’s definitely still a work in progress.

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