open up the gates of paradise in 2013-2014

Today was… kind of draining.

It started with a mild hangover. Actually, it started with me completely drunk after the football game, which we won in overtime. It was rough. It was a lot drunker than I’ve been in a long time, and while I wasn’t that drunk, the crappy eating beforehand combined badly and I woke up at 2:30, 3, needing to throw up. Which was weird. So I puked up some soda and bread, brushed my teeth, and went back to bed. When I woke up at 9, it was because Aaron had just gotten up. I staggered to the living room to curl up with him there (he had been restless and not wanting to disturb me) with a mild headache and very thirsty. A can of Mountain Dew fixed all of that.

I was better when we went to church, although I still felt nutritionally unbalanced. Church was fine. My anti-pants crusade continued and I wore a skirt. The topics were faith and the characteristics/trials of Job. Nothing fancy. I’ve had thoughts on faith and its relationship with fear that I’ve written about here before.

There was a point though, on the way there–We As Human was playing on the car CD player and I just had a spiritual Moment, 100% happy and content with Aaron next to me and feeling Jesus. I had another one during sacrament, when I was praying about our future and spiritual compatibility, and clear as day it was like, What do you mean ‘will be?’ You already ARE. I almost teared up a little bit. It was so warm. Like I could actually feel or see that our hearts are aligned. The line between future and present is getting so thin and faint; we are going to church together. We are reading that devotional. We are meeting the missionary sisters once or twice a week and talking.

Everyone says when it’s the right person, you know. Like there’s a magical revelation, and it’s infuriating to be told that. There wasn’t a magical revelation. It was a decision and conviction that I had to work toward. But I do know. Not because there’s a list of diagnostic criteria, and not just because I couldn’t imagine otherwise. So I’m sorry, everyone, but it’s true. It’s just a giant, warm, all-encompassing conviction that is utterly unrelated to romance and feelings. It’s outrageously humbling and striking to be sitting with someone and just know that God put you together, loves you together, planned it from the beginning. It’s crazy and illogical and not very analytical and sometimes it drives me crazy, but I absolutely would not have it any other way.

After church came the mall. Aaron bought us lunch because I hadn’t brought my wallet, since the original plan wasn’t to do lunch. But my stomach was still odd, and he was hungry, so there you have it. I’ll just pay when we explore some new barbecue place he has his eyes on. After lunch came Zales again. We confirmed our ring picks and discussed with the jeweler timelines. My ring only needs a week or two. His, because it’s tungsten, needs four to six weeks. Good to know. Mine was on a pretty solid sale right now, but we can’t bite yet. Sitting on a wedding ring for six months is a one-way ticket to insanity. So the plan is to get them in December, during the awesome Black Friday holiday sales they put on. His birthday is in November and mine’s in January, so our birthday-Christmas presents to each other will be wedding rings. And Valentine’s Day presents will be paying off the wedding and honeymoon, and we will not be asking or on the hook for anything more. Yaaay next four gift-giving days taken care of!

Current to-do list/plan:
-Actually, for realsies, concrete, reserve date at the church. (We picked a hall! Finally.) (Aaron)
-Confirm/make honeymoon reservations. (Me)
-Once dates are set, register for the bridge run. (Me)
-Wedding dress shopping/buying in October with Heather. (Me)
-Ring buying in December. (Both)
-Two months of buffer time for anything else. (?? He needs to get his tux rental squared away, at least.)
-Wedding in March. (AHH.)
(flail.)

After feeding/meeting with the sisters tonight, we curled up and read out loud the first two chapters of the devotional, during which my dyslexia flared and I forgot how to read out loud. The first ‘discussion’ was expectations and how the 50/50 plan, with each side giving 50%, is a guarantee for disaster. So we talked about expectations. We already know that the whole weekend-hobby-time thing is one and it’s being worked through. It’ll probably flare up in November again when my spare time is sucked into NaNo. He asked me to come to his place more often and understood that playing Pokemon on my DS while he and his sibs play Borderlands isn’t really all that rewarding for me. We came to understandings, if not plans of action. (We don’t really like scheduling our time together.)

We’re struggling harder than we should right now because we’re still sort of in long distance mode? Or at least still rebounding from it? After almost never seeing each other for two years, now we’re in solid I want to be with you ALL THE TIME. Which is, frankly, unsustainable and unpractical and extremely tiring. Between commute time and morning prep, my job takes 12 hours a day. This does not leave an awful lot of hanging-out time, especially when I’m working out and training 5-6 days a week like I am now. (Also, that Saturday run was HEEEELLL but I emerged victorious.) We flat-out refuse to ever Skype again, basically, and are hoping/praying that this settles down, because it’s kind of driving us crazy. We both really like alone-time, and creative alone-time, and yet there’s that insatiable clinginess itch.

Extremes are bad, y’all.

Anyway, so that’s where it’s at. He just left at like, 10:30, 11, and now it’s midnight and I still have to clean up from dinner and technically I should put away the laundry, and oh look, I’m already starting the week behind.

I need to slow my life down. I will be working on this.