Just livin. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I’ve had a pretty relaxed weekend and it’s back to the work and school grind tomorrow. I printed out a 7 day free pass to a gym that’s about 2 blocks away from me so I’m gonna check that out before I go to work tomorrow. I’m not seeing much change when I step on the scale and I know it’s because I’m not exercising. I’m frustrated that the weight isn’t coming off as fast as I’d like it to, especially when I’m completely changed my diet. It’s so unfair and it sucks that I’m incredibly impatient.

I spent time with my niece at my brothers house yesterday and the day before. I don’t know if I’ll go over there again tonight but if not I’m content with that as I’m just at home making dinner and just watching some tv. It’s just been so nice to have a weekend off that felt like a weekend off.

I talked to one of my co-workers on the phone earlier about how I feel really detached at work, like people don’t seem to be as nice to me as they are to this other girl and it’s not that I’m so much jealous but I feel really left out in a lot of ways. My co worker says it’s just because I’m not as outspoken as she is. I honestly believe it’s because of my weight. Maybe I’m just thinking too much about shit but I do feel like I’m not treated as great as the chicks who are pretty and thin.

I know that I’m very comfortable at work because I’ve been there for almost a year but sometimes I do get uncomfortable when people are being rude or grumpy towards me and then I do become pretty quiet. I know that I’m talkative at work but sometimes, I would rather not say much either because I’m tired or because someone has been an asshole to me and then I just get quiet. I don’t know if it’s because my ex was so hard on me even for talking or just because I feel like it’s best to not say anything real because it’s my job but I do wish I could be a little more outspoken.

I am more comfortable with myself now then I’ve been in years but there’s still so much I would like to accomplish, especially with my weight. I know I’m not going to ever be totally satisfied with myself until I get a chunk of weight off my ass and because it’s not happening as fast as I’d like to it. It’s just so frustrating because I’ve worked so hard in the past 3 weeks to not eat candy, fast food and I’ve given up soda and I haven’t seen the scale hardly change at all. I know I still eat a lot of dairy but fuck I can’t give up everything either.

Sometimes I wonder if all the things I stress over are just to keep my occupied so that I don’t spend much time thinking about how lonely I still am. I know it gets to me that I don’t feel like I’m very loved or cared about but most of the time I’m just so busy and tired that it doesn’t get to me.