01.08.2024 in Whatever Will Be Will Be

Lots I can/should/could write as ever. But busy as ever. But this time operating on a grand total of oddly gotten sleep. Friday Night I literally couldn’t sleep a wink. No nap, no eyes shut for a moment, true insomnia. Then on Saturday night, I got a solid 9 hours in! Then last night? 3 hours. So… 12 hours over the whole weekend… but definitely not spaced properly. So, I’m in physical pain, having trouble concentrating, and feeling just a wee bit sick and exhausted. To the point where, I know I should write about the weekend. How little I got done, meeting more of Hermia’s family, all of that. And if I don’t write it down, I’m likely to forget all of it eventually. But I just can’t. I’m too tired to write. Which is rare. And exceedingly unfortunate as I currently have 3 trials to do this afternoon and a full Off Book run of Act 1 tonight. In short- I’m screwed.

And, there is a clear and definite impact on my heart. I can feel it. I can feel myself getting short of breath, dizzy, hearing my heart beating harder and faster. Obviously, this is a clear and massive signal from my body that I need to slow down. Use my time wisely. Get more sleep. But… that isn’t exactly do-able with my life right now. I was a little short with Hermia the other day when she tried to “help me organize my schedule”. Because I know she was trying to be helpful and maximize my want to get things done with spending time with her. But emotionally, I just saw it as adding more shit to do. Like… I have to get my house a certain way because I’m hosting her 20th Anniversary of Going Blind Party at the end of the month. Like… my Sunday was already blocked off entirely because we were going to visit some of her extended family (which was wonderful, I should write about it). And ultimately, she does want to help me with things. And this is a terribly shitty thing to say but… when I’m already totally at the end of my tether; I don’t have the time or energy to make the things that need to get done accessible. Like… the big thing in the basement right now? I have lots of boxes that need to be gone through and the contents put someplace. That isn’t “blind accessible.” I need to do clothes shopping and really get through my clothes (because I’m tired of having nothing that fits, and I’m tired of having so many clothes that don’t fit). I have taken Hermia on a clothes shopping trip before. And if we were there shopping for just her- no problem. But if you know what I mean when I say “Guy Shopping” you may understand. I want to get into the store. Grab what I need. Try it on. Get out. That’s impossible to do with most people if you “go on a shopping trip together.” Add blind navigation to it and it is worse. WHICH I WANT TO MAKE BRUTALLY CLEAR- is not a disparagement against her. I will continually try to reinforce for her that she is not a burden. But part of that is also- there are some things I just need to do on my own. But, also, from her perspective about spending time together and taking care of these chores together… she’s not wrong. Both of us are currently in shows. If I’m so busy I can barely get dishes and laundry done once a week; than I’m too busy to maintain the relationship. So, she wants to make sure we see each other. And that she can dogsit Nala so the pupper isn’t all alone all the time. And that’s wonderful, and supportive, and lovely. And a valued part of my life. But it is also more time on the schedule I need to figure out how to carve out. Which… I need to start carving out the things on the TO DO List; not carve out even more time. Because there are only two places to carve time out. Sleep or Individual Decompression. If I don’t take time to decompress at all, you get Friday night. I need to spend time gearing down from everything. I also need to eat and sleep and make an attempt at hygiene. I’ve already removed things like “write, read, dog park” from the schedule. This is just… obviously, untenable. I need to just… figure out exactly how much energy and time I do have… and how to manage those resources better. Because not having clean dishes isn’t a huge deal… but I still need to get the dishes done at least once or twice this month. And then.... everything else on the list, too. It’s just… it’s just too much all at once.

I am very much hoping this isn’t the repeated motif of this month. I would like to actually live as opposed to “scrapping by trying to survive.”

So.... yeah. Play Rehearsal… desperately hoping to get some things off of my to-do list… and a potential GIANT snow storm. What things to look forward to!