the voice that speaks inside of me in 2013-2014

We didn’t go to church this morning. I think I heard the alarm go off, briefly, or something else that made his phone vibrate. That was it. Overnight there was a really big storm that woke both of us, so broken sleep didn’t help.

On the way out to take Micah to work, we stopped by the dumpster to drop off the trash. I bent over to pick up the bag (not heavy) and my middle back abruptly spasmed. It’s not fun. I’ve been gingerly stretching it out all day. Aaron rubbed it after dinner and found a ton of knots and places rock hard, so it’s definitely a brief muscular thing. It’s echoing around my ribs and just, blah. My mobility isn’t impaired, though. There’s just a transition from concave spine to convex, that stretch, where everything spasms.

We went to Ali’s first open house as a realtor. The house was old and settling, so the frames weren’t quite square anymore. It was adorable and asymmetrical and FULL of odd angles, nooks, and crannies. We had so much fun exploring, and then getting into honest appraisal of what worked for us and what didn’t, and assessing what we would, hypothetically, be willing to work with and not. The fence is mildewing and the HVAC is ancient, so not that, but the house-browsing was fun. Walking around felt fine. No pain.

Dinner at Steak & Shake so he could try the Smores milkshake. It was freezing in there. It was the first time all day that we’d eaten and we inhaled everything. We talked about just future stuff. Where we wanted to live, school zones, child education, which US region, state pros and cons. So boring, but thrilling. It’s not that far away!

Bookstore. Because we love bookstores. A lot. We found a new promoted series that’s basically Fifty Shades of Grey remixed and read a few parts out loud. I flipped to four sex scenes in a row. Way too many uses of ‘pucker’ and ‘beautiful/gorgeous penises’ and ‘hot steel cocks impaling stomachs’ (WHAT) and that’s when we finally fled. (“We are not flatworms! We do not procreate by impaling abdominal cavities!”)

At home, he gave me a back rub and worked out some of the nasty knots. It was magical. Then I stayed home to finish some chores and he went back to his place to feed his cat. I also did some quick research and ascertained that a moderate, non-narcotic painkiller leftover from my kidney stones could combine with my TMJ muscle relaxer, and it’s been a much easier ride since. Still sore and stiff, but the sharpness when I move oddly is gone. I only took a half of the relaxer, because I want to be able to drive in the morning.

At 7:30 the sister missionaries came by to discuss and answer questions. They’re so sweet. It was good. They’ll be back on Wednesday. We’ll probably feed them. I’m the ‘newbie’ to ‘bring up,’ but Aaron is so relatively new as well that he’ll probably be coming, too. One of the girls also hates women’s groups and only goes because the other girl buddies up with her, and they promised that should I go, they will take me under their wing and make sure I feel properly welcomed and accepted. They left me with lots of brochures and such that I’m going to give to my mom to answer some of her questions.

I think the best part was that they left with some things for me to bring up to Aaron, and after fumbling around with the language, we’ve decided to start working together. We’re going to the mall tomorrow to hunt down a devotional we can do together, pre-marriage themed, and after we’re both squarely on the same page and know each other better in that regard, we’ll go more specific with regard to churches and theology. I am so, so stupidly excited about this. This is like… like it’s perfect, like it’s everything I ever wanted in a partner, we are going to deliberately and habitually sit and discuss faith and Jesus together.

After the sisters left and before Aaron came back, I took Sheppy out to pee and then loaded him in the car to go get gas for the week. He loves little car trips like that. On the way, everything we’d talked about was on my mind. I turned on the radio, to a Christian station preset playing a song I first heard in Athens. (lyrics only)

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

And I thought, maybe we’re not going anywhere right now. Maybe we just need to sit and be loved.

I’m willing to do that. He’s willing to do that. There are enough ongoing projects and objectives in our combined life as we get closer to six months to the wedding. We don’t need to stress out over which church we go to and how, not right now. It’s okay to just attend, and enter relationships with the people, and let them them help us start our together-life and love us and give us the support that we’ll need. It doesn’t have to be a theological mission right now. Obviously, it does before we have kids, but that’s not even on the horizon yet.

So we’ll get our devotional and create a foundation for our joined spiritual lives, and we’ll meet together and discuss the ins and outs of baptism, and we’ll… just sit and be loved.

It’s weird how deciding to allow someone to love you is such an active decision. You’d think it’d be passive, automatic. But it’s absolutely not. Love is so not a feeling. It’s such a deliberate decision, both to give and to receive.

After he got to my place, we cuddled on the couch and watched TV. The drugs I’m on started to get to me and make me sleepy once I wasn’t doing anything, so I’m off to bed. Hopefully I won’t feel even worse in the morning. It’s the same muscles that have been twinging all week, so this was probably inevitable. I really need to get that desk chair into a more ergonomic position.