What happened then? in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

Wow, it really has been a long time since I’ve written. I wish I could say that a lot has happened but; really it seems only like a handful of things. When I came back, I have to give a special thank you to Milkwood and Thornylivre. Your encouragement was appreciated and welcomed. I’ve been away due to… well, it’s hard to say. The political issues that have cropped up- I’ve desperately wanted to comment on, write articles about, and engage people in open discussion. BUT most people made up their minds almost immediately and any public comments I make about political controversies can be used against me in my quest for employment. On the other hand, my personal life has been dull, gray, and a bit depressing in many respects.

On the relationship angle… the counselor and I are still playing phone tag… to the point where I figure- skip it. I mean, counseling is still fairly needed… but due to other things (which will be expressed later here), it can be on the back burner for a few more months. Other than that… I don’t know how to say this delicately so I’ll cut to the quick: my wife and I had sex. Granted once in three years isn’t a huge positive; but I’ll take what I can get. It was in mid-August and my wife was pretty drunk. Normally, I wouldn’t go in for that but… I don’t cheat on my wife so, hopefully, I can be forgiven for having sex with her when she’s drunk (when it has been over 1000 days between events). So, there you go. I have now had sex with my wife once since November 2011. Yet it still bothers me that she had to be THAT drunk. A little buzz, while I would prefer sober, is acceptable because it helps lower inhibitions and helps people get over their own deeply held personal issues. But… getting super drunk? That is the kind of behavior one expects from a homosexual that is in the closet (even from themselves) and wants desperately to try to be straight. I’ve talked with my wife about this… asked if she is gay and encouraged her to be open, honest, and feel that she wouldn’t be judged. She adamantly declares that she is straight but hates how her body looks and thinks we’ve both gotten “too fat.” It is clearly an issue that needs assistance and time.

BUT as for why, given the heavy issues outlined above, I am okay putting them on the back-burner… I got my Bar Exam Results. They were… not positive. I failed. My public face on this issue is that of hope and determination. After all- Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama, President Franklin D. Roosevelt (to name a few) all failed the bar exam on their first go of it. So, (again- public face) dust myself off, study harder, and make sure to crush it next time! My inner face, though? I’m crushed. The test is expensive and only held once every 6 months. So by not passing, I’m wasting time. Worse- the study process is mentally and emotionally brutal and excruciating.... beyond my ability to put it into words. The whole thing feels like Sisyphus. I rolled the giant granite boulder up the tremendous hill and stood triumphant that I had completed this epic quest… only to find out that now I needed to bring up a rock made of Iron Ore. So… a few thousand dollars more out of the window, another 8 months wasted on studying/taking the test/waiting for the result… it just feels like another example of “just when I think I can start my life, I’m told I have to wait longer.”

This aspect is difficult to discuss with my wife and may become a focus of these pages in the near future. I was a professional actor by the age of 5 and won a Grammy Signature Award when I was 14. I expected better from myself than this. I vehemently reject the possibility that I peaked before reaching adulthood and desperately want to prove that I still have something extraordinary in me; some last bit of wonder that I can accomplish. But… I can’t talk to my wife about it because her response is (and is always) “How do you think I feel?” She is 34 and still works at Wal Mart so she “doesn’t want to hear” my lamentations about feeling held back from reaching my potential as she feels like her situation is worse. Never mind that it isn’t a contest and we’re not comparing… I just need to vent my fears and develop a plan to overcome them.

Almost all of my friends are gone now, too. I mean, I don’t want this to stretch into an Oh Me Poor Me kind of thing but… my two best friends passed the Bar Exam and have moved 1,000 miles away. So… my world is my job - yay for getting more hours, boo for working a placeholder job that doesn’t need to be done (we exist to justify government spending… I couldn’t feel more useless)..... my world is my job, my wife - who hates everything about her life but, in her own words, is “too much a coward” to change anything.... my world is my job, my wife, re-applying and re-studying for the bar. I just feel like I am stagnating as a person, that what I do doesn’t matter and… I want to grow as a person… feel like I’m moving along the river of life instead of snagged on a branch going nowhere…I’d like SOMETHING in my life.

Either suddenly inherit a lot of money and enjoy the challenge of handling the taxes, the distribution, the bank, etcetera. Or inexplicably find myself in a steamy affair with a woman that passionately desires me and experience the challenge of handling that. Or somehow be named CEO of a major corporation on the verge of collapse. SOMETHING interesting, life altering, and amazing.