The Barefoot Widow *edit in QUOTIDIEN

My grief counselor isn’t sure what to make of me. Although she is encouraging and happy for me, I suspect she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop which, in turn, has me waiting for the same.

The first thing she noticed was the fact that upon his death, my husband did not achieve sainthood. I loved and terribly miss my husband, his sense of humor, and how he loved me. But I am also a realist, and there are things that I don’t miss.

A little over two months after David’s death, a gentleman expressed an interest in me…and while he will never be the man for me, I am already thankful for him for having pulled me out of what I consider now to have been a ‘widow’s stupor’.

My first reaction was shock. I went home that night, confused. A few days of deep introspection, so many tears, and discussions with a dear friend - I came upon this amazing discovery: I am alive!

More than that, I saw that over the course of 36 years (when we began dating), and for the sake of peaceful unity - I had allowed much of who I was to go dormant. As my husband’s health almost imperceptibly declined, so did my playfulness. I accepted contentment in joy’s place. I walked slower so that I would not leave him behind. Our lives became one of restrictions that I almost always accepted with, I hope, a measure of grace. He was the love of my life, after all. There was/is no resentment. These changes were not forced upon me.

And - as I began to accept and celebrate my own ‘aliveness’, there was a brief encounter with guilt. How could I, after all this time, even hold the thought of another man, ANY man, in the same mind I carry my husband’s memory? That was a tough one! Then someone pointed out that I had fulfilled my vows of marriage, and that memories are not challenged by the creation of new ones.

On the night of May 2nd, I was convinced that there was no chance that I could do more than just survive. Today, I stand firmly on this new ground and declare that I intend to do far more than just survive.

I have four children, and at least that many times, as they’ve gone through the process of puberty, I’ve commented of my own adolescence, ‘Boy, if I knew then what I know now.....’

I feel like I’m standing right in that place of self-discovery, of heightened feelings, and churning emotions so common to adolescence - but now, I know what I know!  I will go barefoot – and I will embrace it all; the rise and the fall; the pain and the glory as they all have merit and contribute to growth.  No shoes, just prayers, an astounding support system, and the will to shine on!

EDIT:
I have decided that now is the time to put together my book. This is a sort of a repeat of what I’ve already posted here in the past. Just saving it.

Last updated September 11, 2014