i don't talk about 10 yrs. ago. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

I don’t talk about 10 yrs. ago. I don’t talk about the rape. I don’t talk about the accidents. in college I did. a bit. I talked to someone about the rape.

actually other than here most people don’t know I was raped. and it’s not like everyone I know really. you know, needs to know. only the people I think should.

i’m. I’ve come to terms w/ that one. but not the others. I feel like it’s. too soon. it’s been just over 3 years since the 2nd one. I told a friend of mine from high school about the other 2 via fb and his reply was ‘well i’m glad you’re ok’. um. well that’s a weird response. it’s not. I mean it’s not a bad one it’s just. weird. I expected more. after all he was the one I promised I would tell if it ever happened again. so now i’m afraid that the next person I tell will have that response. just. dismiss it in some way.

even if I have comes to terms w/ those. the other 2 which again I haven’t. I still feel like the certain few should know. maybe.......maybe i’ll write unsent letters.

yeah. i’m still afraid. not just of that. but of being hurt again and I don’t mean just. just rape. i’m afraid that i’m going to be abandoned. i’m afraid that if I say something oppositional or disagree w/ someone that they’ll. try and isolate me. i’m afraid that if I get to know new people they’ll die and leave me in the way Pat did. he was my best friend. yeah, was. he was my best friend. that’s in the past. he’s not, any more.
yeah and he never will be again. I couldn’t handle losing someone like that right now. I don’t know when i’ll be able to.
but if I think of him completely in the past. it’s like he never was. and he was oh god he was. such. a part of my present. I don’t want others or myself to think he never meant anything cause he did he meant a lot.
but maybe they don’t think that. maybe i’m the only one who does.
there’s that. duality there.

I know not everyone will but I don’t believe that yet not even fully if at all. i’m all hypervigilant. this is pretty much how it felt the first year after the 2nd sex abuse. took me a long time.

I don’t talk about the 2 accidents my dad was in 10 yrs. ago. I don’t remember much. not that I was there when either happened. I wasn’t. I mean I wasn’t a witness nor was I involved.

but, ya know. maybe ww/ this whole. him recovering from appendicitis thing. maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. no a: it’s not just ‘maybe’ it is and 2: it’s not just’trrying’. it, again. is. it is.

yes but the question here is. am I willing to listen? well yeah a little bit. I wwas even prior to my dad getting appendicitiss.