Coccon in Current Events

One of my responses to stress is to shrink my surroundings. It looks exactly how one would picture it—hiding under a blanket. In my case, I lock myself into mindless routines. I let my conscious mind take the wheel. I let myself think that I am in control. I am not.

I’m not feeling unwell, I just wanted a pause button. I wanted to forget that the world exists. Play pretend that my problems are far away. Maybe I shouldn’t call them problems, they are opportunities.

I am all about this New Year New Me energy. It’s not for everyone, good for them. I woke up immediately motivated. Ambitious. I am just working on the routine. I need one that creates what I want. I didn’t give myself any time to reflect on 2023. I’m just overwhelmed with what is on my plate for 2024.

I was telling my mother that I am hard on myself. I am back in school. For some reason, it’s a big deal that I go to the gym 2-3 times a week. I eat well. I have a great apartment. I have great friends. I don’t know what it is that I am chasing here. I’ve been in survival mode since I lost that restaurant job. Survival mode is en route again for 2024… the horrors persist but so do I.

Speaking of that restaurant job, that company came up at work. One of the locations unionized. The trauma of what went down which led to me and 20 others getting fired bubbled up to the surface. I never thought I would get over it. Women came to me about the Operations Manager grooming them for marital affairs. Child grooming them, I should say. When I brought it to the right people, they relocated him and fired everybody who confirmed the allegations. They retaliated.

I want to get passionate about cooking again. I’ve been having a lot of lazy meals ever since I started class. My roommate as well. She’s very busy herself.

I was telling my mother that I was a bit haunted by what my uncle said to me at Christmas. He mentioned his weight, 138lbs. We are the same frame and height. We are 6‘1”. I used to be 135lbs. That was in my twenties when half of my meals were coffee and a cigarette. I’m just over 170lbs now. It’s all healthy weight, I’m still a pretty thin guy. I do that thing where I look at my body in the mirror and feel like I fall short. Are my workouts even working? Just as I was telling my mother that my clothes are starting to get tight, my jacket ripped while I was trying to put it on.

Denise, a vendor at work, was just minding her own business when I walked up to her and said: You’re a Taurus! You’re good at money. I’m poor! What do I do!? I didn’t say that verbatim but she told me about how she invests and gave me some great ideas with just our company alone. I intended my comment to be satirical. The conversation was very useful.

I am feeling extra sensitive now that I feel like I am coming out of my cocoon. My mental coma. I don’t know what to call it. I suppose I feel slightly vulnerable. I’ll get over it. I had a mini reset so I just need to establish connections all over again.

I’ve restructured my budget, my priorities and goals. A lot is still a work in progress, mind you. I also unsubscribed from everybody that I was following on OnlyFans. I replaced doom scrolling with reading. That’s a lie, I can’t calm my mind enough. I replaced my doom scrolling with audiobooks. I’m finishing Dispelling Weitiko right now. I’ve started it many times and I’m forcing myself to focus. To focus I have to keep my hands busy. Thus, my apartment is immaculate. My gym sessions are longer.

Dispelling Wetiko, the author really did take the words right out of my mouth. Wetiko is a plague of the human psyche. He uses a Native American term, Wendigo is what my people use. It’s basically about the ego. Our individual and collective narcissism. It’s absolutely menacing to try and get people to think independently. They are too demoralized to process actual information. They cannot refute what I am saying but they can refuse it. That’s demonic possession. They are stuck in their two-value thinking. The author goes deep. We are acting out our own traumas. I don’t have the words right now, it’s just nice to hear somebody see and experience the same thing as me. I didn’t have the words yet. He’s talking about how own experiences as well. That is also how I am learning about the psyche of others.