More of the same in 2014

I started Yoga on September 1st. As I said I would. It was a good feeling, and, I take it as a sign of good luck (just this once) that the month began on a Monday. It was rather nice to accomplish what I said I’d do, but it wasn’t quite as satisfying as I’d hoped. For one thing, I know that I gained weight in the middle of August. I think it’s gone by now, but I’m behind schedule for weight loss. That frustrates me. That was something of a defeat. I don’t know my exact weight, partly because I haven’t weighed myself and partly because I don’t have a scale whose accuracy I trust. I think that, from now on, maybe I’ll just get up on Monday mornings and weigh myself at the gym before yoga, then eat a quick breakfast before class starts? Frustrating to waste half an hour, but I’d rather get accurate measurements. Another reason why things weren’t as satisfying was that I found myself in an uncomfortable middle ground. I didn’t have the, “Yay, I did it!” sense of accomplishment that I would want (trivial though my accomplishment was), nor did I have the “Well, duh; I said I would,” sense of non accomplishment that would bespeak of a good stoic. Instead, I was an awkward middle, which prevented either.
Things with Amber remain confusing. She seems more attached from me, and, as per my word, I’m now looking for other girls. I told her that she had until 1 Sept to make a decision. Her answer is that she can’t right now. I respect that, to an extent. Still, she’s being incredibly emotionally unfaithful to her boyfriend, and with the amount of hugging and sitting together and holding that seems to be going on, a case could be made that she’s not being strictly physically faithful either. No kisses or anything beyond that, actually, but what we’re doing is not something I’d want my girlfriend to be doing with another boy.
I’m not going to cut her out of my life, obviously, but I think that I’m going to really cut back on my time with her. Or, at least, the time I go out of my way to spend with her. Today, when she called, I was napping. I answered, chatted a few minutes, then went back to bed. I was sleepy. I’m pulling back. She can chase now, if she wants. Or, if she doesn’t, then I’ll find somebody else. It’s getting to the point where I don’t like the impact that she’s having on my life. I think of her too much, and pining is not good for me.
On the plus side, while I haven’t been writing much, I have been writing a lot of songs. She’d always wanted a song written for her/about her. I obliged. I’ve given her five in the last two weeks. Songwriting is interesting. I used to like instrumental compositions when I was in high school, and I’ve always loved making up little ditties for myself. Even more so parodies. Well, writing music is pretty fun. Even if it’s not great, I’ll keep it up. For now.
My desktop computer is, I believe, a lost cause. Which means that I need to buy a new laptop. I wish I hadn’t just spent so much money on new clothes. I also wish that I hadn’t spent so much time/money dating Amber and entertaining Woody (my Chinese student who is now going to school near by and stayed with me for two weeks). I suppose that when compared to the home and family expenses of my three readers this must seem pretty trivial. The big issue is just that I don’t know what kind of a package I’ll get when I move to Japan. Gotta start worrying about that.
Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I had a good walk. I’ve had them before, mind you, but this one was nice. It was the kind of walk with a Holy Emptiness. I listened to music, but I kept cleaning my head. I kept just focusing on my movement. On my muscles. On the sounds and sights around me. On experiencing things. Pining and thoughts of Amber I did my best to push from my head. I’m a lot happier when I’m focusing on my body, even when it hurts. When it’s a good hurt, anyway. Six hours of yoga over the past four days definitely counts as a good hurt. If I’m feeling very confident, I may end up starting to run in October rather than in September.
Well, this was a short boring entry, but I’m avoiding the shower for some stupid reason. May as well take one and try to get some sleep.