Studying and procrastination. in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s only the second week of school and I’m already feeling pretty overwhelmed. The homework doesn’t stop and the homework keeps coming. I do think I’ll do fine as long as I study and try to memorize as much as I possibly can. I like the stuff I’m studying so that’s a big help but if I don’t do well on another test in any class, it’s probably time to get a tutor. I don’t want to because I don’t want to spend more time at the school then what I already do and because it’s hard for me to reach out when I need help. I know I’m not the only student that probably feels like this but I’m just going to try really fucking hard to study as much as I can.

I had my class at 9 this morning and then I had to go to Walmart to get some stuff and pick up my contacts. I need to study but I’m putting it off because I’m super tired. I got off about 9:45 last night and for whatever reason, I’ve been up since 4am. I just couldn’t fucking sleep! I only took 1 tylenol pm and maybe that’s why but I was tired when I went to sleep and the next thing I know, I wake up before 4 am and just tossed and turned until about 6 when I finally got up and showered. I’m going to make sure to take 2 tylenol pm tonight because I don’t want this to happen again!

My parents are still extremely draining. I got a call yesterday that she was apparently walking because her, my Dad, and my little brother were in the car and started screaming at her so she got out and walked down the street. Well, by the time I got the voicemail, she was back in the car with them and things were calm but what the fuck did she want me to do?! I’m so tired of hearing about how they can’t get along that I could fucking puke! Then today she had her dr appointment for her diabetes (she’s always been borderline but just recently was diagnosed with full blown diabetes) and wanted to know if I had a meter and test strips for her. I told her the other day I would try and give her what I had but again, I’m so tired of only hearing from them when they need something! I think it’s complete bullshit how they could care less what I have going on in my life but I’m supposed to do EVERYTHING I can to help them out! I told her yesterday that if she doesn’t take her job and finds a reason to not go, I’m probably changing my number because I’m tired of them trying to drag me down with their drama and negativity. I honestly don’t believe my Mom has any real interest in getting or keeping a fucking job. I understand that because my Dad put down the wrong address for her background check that it’s holding up the hiring process for her but I just find it questionable that every time some place offers her a job, it’s always weeks because her actual start date! I just don’t fucking buy it anymore!

This may be selfish or uncaring, but I’m focused on myself and what I need to be doing. I’ve spent years chasing other people (including my parents) and now that I’m not just sitting around waiting to try and solve other peoples’ problems, they’re pissed about it! My Mom was super annoyed when she called as I was studying and acted like I needed to just stop whatever I was doing to figure out their daily dose of drama! Again, I’m sorry I’m not just sitting around waiting to hear from them and the bullshit that surrounds them! I am completely focused on myself and my only regret is i wish I would have gotten in this mindset years ago. I wasted a lot of years worrying WAY too fucking much about other people and I just can’t do it anymore. I mean, where the fuck was my parents when I didn’t have a job and had numerous health problems? Did they help me get back on my feet?! Hell no! Nobody helped me except me!

I just don’t get how people think that one sided relationships are acceptable. If my parents weren’t there for me then why the fuck do they think I should be there for them?! Especially after giving them $1,300 and didn’t get even a $1 back! It’s just crazy how they’ve burnt their bridges with everyone but STILL want everyone to give them money! I feel like we’ve all done what we could and even though it’s not enough, that’s too fucking bad! It’s time for them to become adults and start figuring out some kind of game plan for things to get better. I just don’t feel like my parents really want to make the effort for things to improve. It seems like all of us care more then they fucking do! Every time I see that thing on Facebook about how some people are just life sucking bags of annoying hell and it always makes me think of my Mom and Dad. I understand that my Mom has her depression and she lost her job a year ago because of some bitch or whatever but at some point, you gotta pick yourself back up and start living again. She can’t just expect to lay in her bed watching tv everyday waiting for some fucking miracle!

I have realized just how insensitive I can be because I’ve gotten into this new thing where people will bitch about their problems and what not and I’m always like, “I don’t know what to tell ya” and it’s kind of a bittersweet deal because I remember how I used to feel when people would say that to me but it’s also my way of getting people to understand that I really don’t care about their problems, especially when it’s shit they bring on themselves. For instance, there’s this chick I work with that keeps getting her heartbroken by a dude and I have heard it so much that I just tune out whenever she talks to me about it. Partly because she knows better and because I’ve been through it and don’t care to hear about it happening to other people because then it makes me think about how it felt when it happened to me and i don’t like feeling those feelings or even thinking about them.

Anyways, I think I’m gonna try and nap a little. More later.