bils bills bills in Riverdale

Bills bills bills

ugh so I finally had a look at my bank statement, its really not the best. I dont really know what I am going to do if I dont find employment soon. Maybe it is unrealistic for me to think I can get a job within a month but I really really hope so. My mom is getting very resentful helping me out in some ways its understandable but it makes me mad too because I am really trying to find something I just need a bit of start up money until I can secure something. Its not completely my fault. But if I dont find a job within a month I am going to have to downsize my bills and learn to budget a lot better. Although its really hard to budget the meager amount of money that I do get.

I feel pissed off that I spent so much money on my stupid birthday outing when it never happened now I have a stupid dress and jewelery that I will probably never wear. At least if I went out I would have made use of it. I am horrible with money.

I am still quite sad and pissed off at my friend who flopped on me last minute. I almost understand why she did and part of me is not even really really mad as its understandable the money and time constraints she was on that particular weekend. But I mean I would have been willing to compromise and understand and not have been as mad if she would have gone about it in a way that showed she cared alittle more about my feelings. No call just bullshit lying texts about forgetting to get paid and her parents not allowing her too. She didnt seem that disapointed really and there was no follow up with me AT ALL. What is she scared of me or something? Just tell me the truth or lie tactfully in a more compassionate way. It was obvious she didnt give a shit she didnt really put much effort into letting me down really. Fuck her really. I wouldve been more patient with her. But I like to sometimes pull back on me so understanding and letting people off so easily because I feel like when you do that too often people walk all over you and treat you like shit and believe that they can do things like that and worse over and over again. When you try to save face for people I feel its almost a way of living in denial of who they really are. What kind of friend they are. To me she wasnt the best friend in the past few years, she hasnt really changed much. Its better to know now that I cant count on her and that she basically treats me like shit than lets say I go and wait to meet her somewhere and she never shows up. You live and you learn. I had no problem letting her know how I feel ultimately beccause her response or in my case lack of respeonse showed everything I needed to know. Shes fake and phoney.

Libans another story. Hes basically ignoring my calls again I feel like shit that hes doing this to me again. I get people are busy but there are better ways to show that to people. I try and appreciate still having friends and distractions in my life. I dont just throw people away. I sometimes wish I could be like them I guess. But maybe only because to me it seems like they have a million other people willing to put up with their shit over and over. That sounds stupid I guess. Maybe its not all perfect for them either but I dunno it just seems like I put forth an effort because that is who I naturally am and I dont get a lot in return at times. I guess I could be like them if I wanted but for some reason I dont believe it would work well for me. I just hope that it doesnt work for them either really. I just have such a fear of abandonment with Liban I dont want him to leave me like Omar. Even though I know hes not good for me all the time he does help me at times he does things for me and the relationship still works to an extent at times. I hate the uncertaintly of it all though and how trapped I feel regardless if we are talking or not. I feel as though I can never truly be angry or hurt with him. I cannot hold onto the hurt disapointment or anger otherwise I could not be around him and surivive. So I try to move forward minimize and forget the awful things he does to me and the bad way he makes me feel. Sure I have limits and boundaries but at times it feels like they are shrinking and becoming less and less.

All I want to be able to do is break free more. Become busier make new friends and contacts, make money be more exposed to life. So that I dont feel the need to rely on him for my happiness or feelings. Or obsess over it and feel so attached to him. I just wanna say fuck it with him. Let go but there is nothing in replacement of him or what he gives me at times. Conveienace, love, comfort. Advice, c ompliments affection a way out hope in a way I guess.

I have no idea really how he sees me or how he feels about me really. It feels like a lie at times. And that hurts. Does he feel strongly about me or is it just his way? I d like to think its just his way. But I hate his way. I want to feel closer feel more secure know where I stand. Not be ignored. But he never seems to respect or care in the end what I want and need. He cannot really have a ongoing relationship because he is so screwed up himself really. But I hate it. I want more of him and the relationship especially right now. But there never is any consistancy to make me feel okay about him or the relathionship.

When he is gone away from me I grow to resent him and hate him again for hurting me ignoring me and I start to really just not like him. I feel like a stranger to him and he feels like a stranger to me. Unknown cold detached and uncertain. I find it hard to show him affection or care or compassion. I am always worried about when the next shoe will drop. I just get so angry with him than relieved when he comes back. But I am trying to just give up on him. No more angry text ors calls. Trying to detach from emotions from him the most part. Its not easy and I dont know if it is even entirely possible for me to do. I dont know what to do and how to completely do it either. All I know is that I would like some leverage and control and say in the relationship. And not feel like a buggy piece of shit all the time. He called me needy and these lies but I am not. He lies or leads me or or tells me things that really pretty much makes it ok for me to do what I want when I want. He has never put any boundaries up himself in a way that I can respect so I keep crossing all his hidden land mines really. Because I do not know where they are. I wish I had a good answer to all of this. Some closure or some way to just leave this all behind immeidately. I dont want him to leave me like omar did I dont wana be humiliated further by him.i want him to change but I dont know if thats possible....

anyways I applied for three jobs but the waiting period for all of them is so horrendus pretty much up to two weeks for two of them. I just wanna get the show on the road with it all. Did I get it or not? Am I gonna get paid or not? I need money and business pronto I am sick of being bored broke and lonely. I am in my best possible mental health state than ive ever been right now and would like to seize these moments to give good impressions on the employers before I sink into a pit of self loathing and depression and lonliness and fucking poverty again. Its not a pretty sight and it makes it that much harder to get and look for job opportunities. Blah.