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So looking for and finding jobs that are good right now luckily. Because job hunting for me is tedious at times!

Things have been looking up and are pretty good mostly.

Me and L are off and on and up and down. Lately I guess we are not too bad. Although it’s hard for me with his emotional instability and the fucking awful way he treats me sometimes. I have my guard up and wish I could let him in a lot and feel safe secure and really “in love” like I used to be my spontaneity has gone down the drain with his antics which have left me quite cold distant upset.

I think sometimes the slow erosion of a relationship can be harder than the sudden breakup sometimes although for me it was hard when O broke up with my the way he did so suddenly and cruelly. The only thing that I reflect on that makes me feel sort of good about myself in a way is that he really WANTED to hurt me I believe. In that it shows he DID care in his own fucked up way at the end.

I look back at last November and how devestating that time was for me and I am glad he changed the number and everything it made the whole process easier when he let me go too by making it harder to compulsively Facebook spy and call drunk dial and text. It drove me insane and horrible. I am kind of embarassed now that I went to the lengths that I did but at the time I was in a horrible place with no good supprt the rug was pulled out from under me. I would have to say what he did to me was one of the most single most shocking things that has ever happened to me. I am still not over it obviously but it’s like the initial sting is gone. I yearn to hear about him and from him still but glad I don’t in another way since I know he hurt me so badly and for me to go back to the original pain may not be the greatest idea. I don’t put him trying to come back into my life a non exsistant possibility even if it was just to check up on me hear from me etc… But doubt anything could ever be the same and know that with the whole wife and fucking new kid thing it would be a great idea for him to do.

I am used to old people comming into my life again. It used to surprise me but now it doesn’t as much. I used to get more excited and welcome them back into my life but now I am more weary. Although at times I feel that it’s lifes and their way to resolve unfinished business, to learn something from that person. Though rarely does it result in any type of life long relationship. It’s as though they come into my life to help me out in that period of my life. And even when they disapoint me and leave I can say I am greatful for what they did contribute at the time and that they were mini “angels” in disguise in very strange ways.

My hope is for my immediate future that I can find a great prospect to move and a good stable job or jobs to keep me busy engaged passionate and just more free to do other things and meet new people in my life.

Fall is my favourite seasons, I always thought that maybe summer was and it is but after awhile I get so drained from the humidity the sun and hot hot weather and uninspired by the fashion choices. I am all about layers boots skirts tights and cute jackets, cool weather and beautiful coloured leaves. :)

I haven’t wrote much I would like to get better at writting more often lately.