4:11 AM in Hello

Watching King of the Hill.

Bill’s House

On this episode Bill takes in a few alcoholics from a halfway house. I don’t like the way it’s poking fun at recovery and the clients. Not cool…

Anyways, spent most of the night on Fallout. I didn’t cook dinner, just didn’t feel up to it. New China Buffet it was. I love the chicken and beef broccoli. Think I could eat that all day. Tomorrow (later tonight???) I’ll be making salmon and crab legs.

Oi, I feel like I’m a broken record talking about recovery/sobriety in here. Yes it’s my diary and can write whatever I want but it’s kinda the biggest thing I have going on in my life at the moment

Earlier in the evening I went to get my Mt Dew Icee, hoping the gal was there. (She ended up texting me and we chatted for a bit 😁) While I was there I went into the beer cave as they call it (indoor cooler) and looked around. From getting groceries Wednesday to doing that yesterday the thought of drinking has popped into my head.

Well, I’ve been really wanting to get high for like a few weeks now. Kind of encompasses all my attention at times. So of course I got to thinking of alcohol, especially with looking at all the local craft beers for sale at the grocery store. There are a few new stouts and hefeweizens which are my two favorite to drink. A bit of bitterness came to me that it’s that I’m not allowed to drink, I CAN’T drink. I’d love to purchase some of these beers and sample them while kicking back with a good movie or some tunes. But I know I won’t stop at just a few.

My best friend told me that I have to learn to tell myself no. Thing is once I have a beer or two in me then all bets are off. There is no moderation, there is no, “telling myself no.” I can’t stop. I just can’t.

Do you have any idea just how fucking embarrassing it is to admit to that?

I once had a former gf (yeah yeah an ex whatever) describe me like a child, that she has to slap my hand and tell me no! Fuck, I hate that I’m here talking about this but I can’t get it out of my god damned head. This is the only place I can put my thoughts into something coherent.

Part of me wants to go down the beer aisle or the liquor store with a baseball bat and just start smashing everything in sight. Screaming about a ruined life while I do it.

I want to punch something now…

Earlier while gaming I was listening to some old punk rock tunes I haven’t heard in years. One of them was a song yet another ex introduced me to. I remember how excited I was when I figured that song out on my guitar and played it for her. Her and I had been on and off for years and at one point it did look like we’d end up together. It didn’t happen, she got pregnant by someone else. We remained friends after kid number one and then her marriage. One day she just ghosted me. I ran into her one day at the mall and she walked right past me without so much a second glance.

There are no rose tinted glasses here.
I was a liar, a manipulator and cheated on her several times yet she always took me back. I cheated on a lot of girlfriends. It took me really getting hurt to change. That was the one who said I’m like a child.

I have no fucking clue where I’m going with this…

I can’t sleep…