Reeling in The Past

T-minus 2.5 hours till my birthday. And I think this goes down as one of the wonkiest birthdays I’ve had in a long time.

After I wrote the last post about Court, I went to sleep. I hate sleeping at my sister’s place. Even though it was nice and cool (we remembered to open the window this time, hehe), I just couldn’t sleep well. Mom picked me up on her way through, dropped me off at work, and I worked my half day. Farebox was… well… Farebox, and I got to skip out after giving Mar her lunch. I got home, Court was upstairs, I goofed off downstairs with Mom, dozed off, pretty much woke up when Court came stomping downstairs. He goes off about how I didn’t feed the guinea pigs before I ran away last night, and if it wasn’t for him coming down to check on them, they wouldn’t have gotten dinner and I was a horrible fucking person and blah, blah, blah. I cried and hid outside for a while, with Mom coming out to tell me that he was right and I should have fed the guinea pigs. I don’t know. -shrugs a little-

I was honestly worried, and am still worried, that I’m not going to make it to the next birthday. Everything’ll be fine with Court for a long while, and then he’ll go fucking nutters. I just… I don’t know, it’s a lot like my father. And Mom won’t see it. She doesn’t see that he’s just a petite papa, so to speak. She still takes his side 9 times out of 10. I keep thinking that I should run away, that I should move away, but it just doesn’t work. I’ve tried a few times, but then something happens – mom gets sick, bills get weird, my roommate’s son decides to move home, just something. Maili’s boyfriend has a job, so that means that there’s less money that I need to help out with, maybe I can actually afford to move out sometime soon. I just don’t want to deal with all the shit that moving out comes with. Honestly, my biggest fear/concern is my bi-polarness. With living with Mom and Court, (at least when he’s not going fucking nutters), I have something to keep me anchored, at least a little. The idea that there’s Bills to pay isn’t enough to get me out of bed. They’re so abstract. Having Mom harass me out of bed is enough at times. When I’m going nutters, I have someone to grab on to. What happens if I’m alone and I sink into a depression? What happens if I can’t get a phone? If I just… stop.

If it was just death, I wouldn’t be afraid of it. There’s been a lot of flirting with death, at least mentally, this week, it’s the idea that I’d have an episode and live through it. That I’d end up alone and realize that I don’t exist, or that I’d lose my job or something equally scary. If I tried sharing these fears with my friends, they’d tell me that they were just excuses not to do what I should do and I should just suck it up and jump. And they’re right, they are excuses, but even though they’re excuses, they still make me so anxious that the mere thought of the possibility churns my stomach. It’s like I read… even though you can logically poke holes in anxieties, it doesn’t make the anxious person any less anxious.

Friday things calmed down and got back to normal, or near enough. I don’t remember anything happening that day at least.

Saturday I went to the Soccer game with Travis. It was… interesting. I don’t think soccer’s for me. A lot of that could have been the fact that I wasn’t in the greatest of moods to begin with, and it decided to rain for the first time in two weeks during the time we were at the game. I’ll give it another shot, one of these days.

The biggest thing that stands out about that day was the fact that my friend, Ben, invited me to go to PAX with him… he said he’d get me a PAX ticket from a scalper at the door, and we’d go to the after parties and goof off and he’d let me crash at his place. All I’d have to do was ditch Travis. God, I wanted to, I really wanted to go to PAX and to spend time with Ben. Ben was a minor obsession with me years and years ago, a lover of mine years ago, and a friend always. We’ve known each other since I was 13 years old. I just… I couldn’t ditch Travis, and for the rest of the night I got guilt tripped by Ben, him telling me that he had cleaned up his living room so I could crash there, and bought new liquor and how much fun he was having without me and how I sucked because I stood him up. It really didn’t do anything for my mood.

Yesterday I just kind of hid. I didn’t want to do anything, didn’t want to see anything, didn’t want to talk to anyone, just… nothing.

Today’s sort of the same. Maili woke up puking so I called her boss to tell her that Milo wouldn’t make it in… and her boss started interrogating and yelling at me. I let Maili handle it after she got done throwing up. I just figured that her boss would like the heads up as soon as possible. -shrugs- shows what I get for thinking.

It’s almost ten pm and I’m here, trying to work on maile, trying not to think, talking to Ben. He hit me with huge news today. We haven’t talked, really talked in years, and today he told me he had a daughter. Apparently a couple years ago he was feeling lonely and went to Dragon Lady’s house (his ex, who’s fucking crazy), and nine months later, voila, he had a daughter. It just… wow. It really made me sit down and look at where I am.

I feel like I have nothing. I told my therapist this… I went to this therapist once, just once, and I was trying to tell her how I felt… like the fact that I have nothing, absolutely nothing, and she couldn’t get it. I feel like there’s nothing holding me here, that there’s no reason that I can point at and say, “THAT’s why I’m not gone.” I know my Mom would miss me, and my sister, and probably even Court. I know that my friends would probably wail and be said, and then, they wouldn’t. Life would go on. Fuck, I don’t even have to make a will, because I own nothing. I own a T.V., some books, some clothes, a couple cheap knickknacks, and about 50 pounds of metal. Literally, when I moved out, I took with me a box of clothes, a box of books, some knickknacks, and 50 pounds of metal.

I don’t know… there’s so many thoughts in my head and none of them are able to come out to stay, or come out to be written down or recorded. I just. I don’t know.

Happy birthday, no?

Last updated December 25, 2016