Stressed out. in Since OD is shutting down....

I took my daughter to get a picture with Santa. We do it every year. We then got some things at the dollar store and got her lunch. I checked the mail where I got a couple letters stating that our food budget has gone down $100 and my TANF case is closed as of January 1st. I got a letter a couple of days ago saying that I’ll still get my payment but now I’m not sure. I get paid on the 27th but it’s not much money so now if I don’t get my payment, we’re going to have no money. I’m also waiting for a letter telling me when I’ll have to pay rent and the amount. I’m literally more stressed now than I was without a job.

I have to pay my car insurance and internet bill in the next few days and I don’t have the money in my account for both. It’s just crazy to me that getting a little part time job where I will work between 16-20 hours a week comes with losing so much help. I don’t know what to do because I have to work, even if it’s just a few hours than not at all and it’s next to impossible to find a job within school hours. I tried that for months and couldn’t even get hired at a fast food place because I don’t have the availability that’s needed.

My stress is giving me a killer headache. I called my brother who of course doesn’t answer the phone but I would really like to know when or if I could maybe start seeing some child support. Like this is no joke and it’s about fucking time that this guy starts helping out. He’s had another 5 months of not paying and I’m really starting to get fed up. I don’t have a choice here so it’s not cool that he does. This isn’t just my child, I had help making her and that person should be just as responsible for her as I am.

Every choice I make is based off him being a fucking deadbeat and I’m over it. I wouldn’t be in the predicament I am if he was there physically or financially. I just want to know why I have to keep facing everything alone. I’m only human and my limits are reached. I’m tired of having to figure everything out by myself while he lives totally scot free.

I honestly wish that I would have waited to start working until the first of the year because my next paycheck is going to be small too. It just sucks to feel that you are more fucked getting a job than just being on welfare. Even making a small amount of money fucks you over.

Still haven’t heard from the big sister so I don’t think they are going to hang out today. My daughter is getting super bored being stuck with Mom but this is how it is. Not only does this suck for me but it’s like there’s no regard for how much this sucks for my kid too. She text yesterday saying they were going to hang out today but I still haven’t heard from her.

My brain is on overload. I just feel so hateful and angry. I really hope that he feels great about himself to leave me in this spot. I really hope it just puts the pep in his fucking step.

I’m going to continue trying to find a job within school hours though. I can’t promise I will work in the after school program forever. I’m going to sit and worry about how much my rent is going to be and if it’s too high, then I get to question if it’s even worth it to have a job. I feel like I’m never going to get ahead no matter how hard I try because there’s only so many hours in the day that I’m kid free and can only make so much money. I will probably not have much extra money having a job than I do now.

It’s also frustrating me that I have no one to talk to about any of this. I’m trying really hard to convince myself that it’s going to work out and everything’s going to be okay but I feel pretty down right now. My daughter and I are still going to have a nice Christmas, even sitting at home by ourselves.

I can’t get over how deadbeats can just leave someone to do it all and not care at all. He’s had 7 years to be bitter, you’d think by now he’d realize that he’s not just hurting me but his kid too. He doesn’t care but cares enough to want to take her and do fun things. Make it make sense. He won’t help raise her but wants to take her when it means putting on a show for others and taking pictures for social media.

I’m so angry that I don’t even get to choose what I do for work. I have to do what is going to work for my kid. He’s never had to worry about that. He could work even 2 jobs and be an actual human being but no. I’d really like to know when or if he’s ever going to be held responsible for creating a child and walking away.

Being a single Mom is truly the most humbling experience in the world. It makes or breaks you. Your choices aren’t your own anymore. I’m trying to just stay positive and keep in mind it’s not going to be like this forever. As frustrating and stressful as this is, there’s going to come a day where I will have more freedom and my daughter will be old enough to be home alone. It’s a long way off but we’ll get there. I am not sure if her program will run through the Summer so that’s a concern but I just have to remember that it’s a ways off and something will get figured out.

I sit and think about how everyone has failed us. I find myself envious of people who do have a village and are still able to live a full life and do things. Like work where they want and even go to school. I do want to return to college at some point. It’s always been my dream to become a mechanic. I will make it happen at some point.

All of this is just a temporary setback. Someday we’ll be where I want us to be and I’ll look back and be grateful that I didn’t give up. Even working in her afterschool program is going to be a help by getting to be more social which will help in my confidence level once I move onto another job. It’s just a stepping stone. We’ll be alright.

I’m really disappointed in the big sister. They were supposed to hang out today. Never heard a fucking word. I don’t have much for my daughter but it’s going to have to do since no one else can ever come through for her. Being a single Mom and seeing your child being disappointed over and over is a different kind of hurt. I think tomorrow and Monday I’m going to turn off my phone and everyone can fuck off. I’ve seriously had enough of everyone’s bullshit. I’m so upset that my kid is NEVER a fucking priority for anyone and I am the one to pick up the pieces.