Sunday. in Since OD is shutting down....

My daughter slept until 8am and then we went to breakfast. I noticed while we were there that she got kinda quiet. I asked why and she said it’s because she missed her Dad. I told her that some families only have a Dad or a Mom or even a Grandma. All families are different. I thought about maybe reaching out to him just for her to talk to him but I quickly remembered what happens every time. I just can’t be abused anymore. I just don’t think that it’s fair to me that every time he’s talked to her on the phone, he uses her as a spy to get dirt on me and say really mean things. I’m always really stressed every time she’s talked to him because it’s never a pleasant thing, even for her.

Again, I just wish it was different. This shit is completely unfair to my daughter. I keep in mind that he hates me more than he’s capable of loving her. He’s also in no place to even attempt to be a Dad, even over the phone.

I feel sorry for anyone that has to go through this. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. The emotions are so deep that it’s hard to not feel anger or depression. I am absolutely sickened that he’s still this bitter and our child is going to be 7 in July. The fact that he’s got the audacity to be bitter is still mind blowing. I’ll never be able to wrap my head around it. He’s not the one dealing with all these emotions and trying to constantly give explanations and hope that you are helping her.

The fact that I’m full of regret every time he’s able to have contact with us is the main reason why I won’t talk to him. I just don’t think if the other parent has involvement that it should just be a test to see how much I am willing to take. Since I was pregnant, I’ve endured more emotional abuse than I could handle and I’m just not going to take it anymore. It sucks to have a child with someone who doesn’t deserve her.

Then I see that gofundme where he talks about being a single parent. He’s never been a parent, or even a co-parent so telling the world he’s a single parent is a big of a leap. It’s pretty gross that he’s squandered his whole life, even since having a child and wants to swindle unsuspecting people out of their money. I’m just really grateful that I’ve reached a good place and don’t care to call him out. He’s done enough to fuck himself that I don’t need to assist in that. I just wonder how many times he’s used his child as an excuse, a scapegoat when he’s never seen her on a regular basis.

It’s like no one can blame me for anything but no one wants to put the blame where it’s due either. Sometimes I feel like I’m just drowning, like I can’t breathe because no one seems to care what it’s like for me and my kid. Everyone wants me to keep justifying myself but I’ve spent enough time explaining my choices and people can either take it or leave it. Until it’s them, they’ll never understand. People act like I shouldn’t be upset that he’s done everything within his power to make my life as hard as he could but I need to continue to be reasonable when all he does is make more trouble with this presence.

I like my new job. I think it’s pretty fun, easy, and the time goes fast. But if it were up to me, I’d go back to the job where I was for 7 years. Probably a different company of course. I don’t get to do the job that I’m good at, that I like and know I can physically handle because I don’t have the fucking childcare for it. This guy could work 2 jobs if he wanted, work overtime even and still won’t hold down a fucking job. He makes the choice every day to be what he is and it affects us. I’m happy that I get to be with my daughter at school and spend more time with her but I’d make better money doing the job I did before but I can’t.

Honestly, I’m just so glad that I found a pretty cool job and I don’t have to be in that room anymore. I get another 2 paychecks and I get paid from my job on the 27th. Things are definitely looking up and I also keep in mind that it won’t be like this forever. Someday I’ll be able to get back to the job I want. I will only work 16-20 hours a week and that’s pretty awesome. I won’t make a lot of money but I will make about double what I get from TANF.

TANF is a really good program though. I think they absolutely do everything they can to help you succeed. I just think a lot of people use it for the wrong reasons and never plan to actually work. I’d rather be doing something productive. I think they really do everything for people to succeed. You get help in just about every area there is but it’s up to you how you decide you want your life to be. It’s crazy to me how some women can sit in there for a long time and still never get a job. Like that place is boring as shit. It’s literally mind numbing.

My daughter went with her big sister and had a really good time. They bought Christmas gifts for me, my brother and my niece. Big sister always spends money. I got a Starbucks cup and I really open it up to a $20 gift card which is super nice but I’m going to get her a gift cards as well. I can’t just get gifts and not give gifts. I don’t have a lot of money but she always spends a lot on my kid and I want to make her feel appreciated.