Antihero Era in Current Events

It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.

I’m in my self-sabotage era, it would seem. I am keeping myself too busy and too radically distracted. An act of desperation to make the internal restlessness stop. I could be handling this a lot worse. Alcohol, drugs, sex, binge eating… all those things we do as adults to pretend that the pain isn’t hurting because it isn’t hurting when we’re drunk, high, hooking up, eating junk food. When we have that affair, make those useless purchases, etc.

I’m not sure what kind of day it is going to be today. I want to make it a good one. The sun is shining. My day started off a little annoying. When I got to the gym, there was a schmuck standing in the vestibule. I knew exactly what the problem was and I knew exactly how it was going to become my problem. He forgot his card to scan in. He was waiting for somebody to leave to scan him in but I showed up first. He pleaded that I let him in. The card locks for 30 minutes so basically we had to spoon each other to get through the revolving door. Maybe I banked some good karma.

My depression started to hit while I was there. This is very inconvenient. I get to feel like my dog died for no apparent reason. I’ll be okay. This one isn’t super heavy. I didn’t push myself hard enough while I was there because of it. Can’t a girl just be blissed out?!

I know exactly what I need to do. I need to sit down and face my problem head-on and start working toward solutions. Dopamine will activate.

Also, I feel lonely.

Yesterday, at work, it was a pleasant surprise to learn that I had booked my float day for that day. It was a half-day. I did some of my Christmas shopping. Got a haircut. Took a nap. Made some vegan chicken and rice soup. I realized that I have been slacking in the kitchen… for dinner, anyway. My anxiety was high so I got higher. I don’t think I’ve ever been so incapacitated from my CBD and THC oil before. I went to bed thinking I was tired. As I was tossing and turning I realized that I was wide awake and just baked.

I meet up for lunch with the girls soon. Then I have the afternoon to myself before I babysit for Bev. She is making me my favourite and then leaving me with her youngest. I really want to watch Coco and I might have to wait for him to go to bed.

I feel like my depression will knock me off my ass when I get back from lunch but I am hoping that I do something productive. I have two assignments to catch up on for my chem class. I missed the first day of the new unit and this one is going to be a hard one.

How did my test go? Awful. This was the most challenging one for me yet. I felt jaded about it because I studied so hard. She really wanted us to understand the material this time around and she structured the questions in a way that was new and unexpected. I really had to think. We shall see what happens. I was very annoyed because there was a small group that kept talking during class. We are allowed to go over our notes and then just go get the test when we are ready. I was writing the test while they were trying to cram study. They were far less prepared than I was. The teacher called them out when they went up front to ask her a question.

You asked me this three times in a row. She stared them down. I don’t know what the rest of the conversation was but she offered to let them take it the next day at 2 PM sharp. They eventually left. Before they did they kept talking in their language. The problem child, who hogs all the help, was sitting with the teacher before the test as well. I was trying to concentrate on one of the questions so I covered my ears. I thought it was subtle. It was not. Suddenly the teacher’s face was right beside me and I jumped. It was embarrassing. She crouched down beside me to ask me if I wanted to sit outside to finish the test. I did exactly that. I’ll bring my noise-cancelling headphones next time.

Tomorrow I want to go hard at the gym. I feel some kind of way about not being there at 6 AM. I get there closer to 8 on the weekend now. It’s a different crowd and I miss the familiar faces. It’s actually slower at 8. The Benches and cable machines are more available.

Anyway, I have to get myself presentable for lunch. They picked a venue very far away from me, as per usual. It’s my fault though. It’s challenging to find a place that has vegan options for me. Our usual place did us dirty so we are trying to find a new venue.