the hardest in Each Day

TW: pet death

Today was awful.

The end.

… I wish.

M and I stewed until noon. I ran into work to deliver my chili for the cookoff. He cleaned. I stared at the wall. M cried, I couldn’t.
The vet came, the proceedings happened on the floor in front of the heater, on the rug Jinx constantly napped on. M cried a lot. I cried too. At some point it started to rain.
The vet left. We wrapped Jinx in the rug, tucked his duck and catnip beanbag in with him. The duck came home the same day we brought him home, and he’s been playing with the beanbag since Christmas 2009 when our friend was taking care of him while we were in Thailand, and it felt right to let those go with him.
I took a picture of the duck tucked between his paws. It feels like perfection.
We carried him outside and picked a spot in the middle of two pines and two apple trees. M dug the hole and I collected rocks from around the garden. M was a wreck, at one point saying, “I will dig until you tell me to stop” and shortly after, “… please tell me to stop”.
We lowered Jinx into the hole, and I started covering him, because I don’t think M could have. We raked the last of the soil over, and then started placing the rocks. We added a patio stone that Mom made for us, depicting a black cat with green eyes. If/when we do ever leave this place that stone will come with.
As soon as the last stone was placed, the sun came out. M turned to face it, and bemusedly said, “of course”, and sobbed.
M made lunch, chili dogs, they hit the spot.
We tried watching a Christmas movie, and we were suitably distracted from the grief for a time. I kept thinking about the cairn. As the sun was setting we went back outside and stood over Jinx’s grave. This time I cried, and M held me. We came inside and I sobbed, and M held me some more. He joked that it was about time I gave him a turn to comfort me.
We decided to watch Green Lantern since we’d never seen it and heard it was terrible. So we talked through the whole thing.
Then I wrote this while M layed on the couch beside me in the reading room, talking the entire time.
It’s a crap entry but it was going to be anyway. It was a crap day. It sucks saying goodbye to your pet.