diamonds like tears in 2013-2014

Friday evening, I took out some trash and checked the mail. In the mail was my retirement check. My financial woes are over! (For now, haha.) My feeble bank account was plumped up well past its happy place. To celebrate, Aaron and I ran to the latest-closing bank branch to deposit that sumbitch immediately. The teller struck up a conversation and we–the two tellers, Aaron and I–ended up talking for 15 minutes about wedding stuff. She told me to come back and she would help me set up a proper savings account for the wedding.

Aaron then told me, in the car, that if I had run into rent problems, then he had me covered, but was hoping not to use it.

We went to Walmart and bought a birthday present for his nephew, who had just turned 8 that week, and then presented it. Jack squealed and he and Katy raced upstairs. Leah was nearing bedtime, and I helped her search for her missing marker (she’s 2ish) while Kara and Aaron talked. Then came dinner at a Japanese steakhouse, because after all the bailing out he’s done for me the last few weeks, he’s deserved it. So I bought us pricy dinners with a crazy hibachi chef and it was freaking delicious. We finally finished our leftovers this afternoon.

Saturday was football day! CHRISTMAS! GAMEDAY! So Aaron went to do his usual Saturday stuff, and I did my toenails and my hair and went downtown later that night to watch the game with the local fan club. Unfortunately, the bar was under new ownership and the experience was awful, but we all bonded over it. I legitimately made a new friend and one of the other guys had been a drummer at almost the same time I had been in the band. Lucky whiskey is still a thing. My new friend was so impressed that she said she’d buy my whiskey all season as long as it worked.

I wasn’t quite stone cold sober after the game despite not really drinking all second half, so I walked around a bit more. I found another bar that let me watch the rest of the LSU game and I met a few more people, two of which were a couple who also wanted to talk weddings. I watched all of the fourth quarter, walked a bit further and found my new work location and its parking lot (I think; it was across the street), and by time I got back to my car, it had been another hour and I felt safe. As many people lurched drunkenly in front of my car in the dark with their dogs, my reaction times were on point, but I was still self-conscious and super careful all 20 (long) miles home.

I got home shortly before Aaron did. I ate more rice, chugged a glass and a half of water, brushed my teeth, took some Advil, and we collapsed into bed. I had a couple dreams about running from murderers (which I fought back and was bloody) and was relieved to wake up and get out of bed.

Church wasn’t quite what we’d thought–there would be some talks from missionaries first. We sat through that alright, but it was peppered with older, family women in those flowing blousey floral print things and with similar crimped hair styles and plain makeup and babies on their shoulders, giving announcements about women’s meetings at 1:45 on Wednesday afternoons and planning meetings and food meetings and I could feel a part of me withering and dying. Don’t you people WORK–oh, you’re probably stay at home moms, oh no. On top of that, beforehand Aaron had been asked by a friend to give the opening prayer, but due to our alcohol-and-sleeping-together-habits, he had to decline and blame not being dressed appropriately to go up in front of everyone.

When we got in the car afterward, I looked at him. “I cannot do that. I can’t. I cannot be them and you know it.” I can’t be the doughy, floral-printed housewife sitting at home and cooking for the church. He can’t be that guy who never touches me except in the most chaste and supervised of contexts. We just can’t. No amount of babies is going to change that. We’ve already agreed that if one of us has to stay home, it’ll be him. I don’t know about him, but I’ve already had this spiritual identity crisis about three times and it’s always ended with me sitting in a car crying while the radio plays some kind of I love you anyway song on the Jesus channel. You know, like this one:

The last time was because I wasn’t an early elementary ed major in long skirts and sweater cardigans getting married right out of college. Good to know some things never change–except for the part where I am determined not to go through this again. I am who I am, I am who God made me, and I am not someone else, so I am not going to pretend to be her. I will try to stop panicking when stuck in a room full of those women, but I will not try to be one of them. I will scream at football games on TV and throw myself in mud puddles and not have kids until my 30s and have a career outside my house, I will wear business suits instead of those flowery blousey things (what are they, matching skirts and blouses?), I will wear eyeliner and have a powerful stance and presentation that makes people think I’m much taller than I really am.

Anyway. So we left a bit early and went to the mall, where we observed the preponderance of jewelry stores and a wedding dress shop (…) right next to a tux rental place (… …), and we got cookies and a drink instead. After bolstering our courage, we went back to Zales, where he bought my engagement ring. And we looked at wedding rings. It was scary walking in, but it was actually kind of fun! We had particular styles in mind that we liked for each other that were mutually liked in turn, so we tried them on and discussed with the jeweler. He then whisked my ring away to clean it, and took my contact info so he could find out if one ring could be adapted for my round cut.

My rings are actually enhancers or guards. My engagement ring goes wholesale inside of or next to the ring and the diamond is secured in the middle.

Option one, except my diamond is round

Option two, and what I think is my favorite

Option three, and less memorable to me

His far-and-away favorite

We got home and promptly took a nap.

Since then, he’s gone off to play with his friends and sister, and I’ve been told by my mom that she’s canceling the family phone plan and cable because they can’t afford it. Then she didn’t really want to talk about it. I know money is very tight right now. That’s why I’m supposed to be sending them a check every month. But I also feel like… like maybe their attitudes aren’t in the right place. Like it’s still wholesale chopping block solutions rather than scaling back, like when I was trying to show her how to cut the grocery bill in half and she just kept saying, no I can’t eat whole wheat pasta, I can’t eat this all the time, I can’t whatever, I’m old. You’re not old. You’re just stubborn and like your expensive crap diet. I showed my dad the budget strategies I’ve been using and he was interested and took notes, but my mom is like a brick wall. I don’t know. The only thing I can do is pray for them but it’s so saddening no matter what. I know my mom’s gotten financial counseling–but even the counselor said that until they make changes, she can’t help them.

I just feel like there’s a middle ground between everyone-has-an-iphone and no-one-has-a-cell-phone-at-all–like there’s a spectrum of cable packages and providers–that there are public assistance programs–but neither of my parents are mentally capable of pulling off the lifestyle change. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to go from solid middle class to lower middle class just as retirement comes around the corner, but there’s nothing that can be done about the economy or cost of living but adjust to it.

I kind of want to write them a get your shit together letter.

I went to Walmart to get some stuff, now that there’s money in my bank account. The teeth-cleaning dog biscuits for Sheppy, ground beef, butter, cleaning supplies. I was down the whole time, but I found pennies everywhere.

Whatever’s going in, identity crises and financial crises, God is still God. He is still in charge.

I had grilled turkey-and-cheese sandwiches and a glass of water for dinner. I’ve been out every night this week, and thought about staying home tonight, but Lena’s driving me crazy and I’m twitching in my skin. So I’m probably going out and playing Pokemon with Aaron and his crew for a while tonight, before I throw the cat in a closet.

My future wedding ring is so freaking pretty.

Last updated August 31, 2014