Randomings in Current Events

I really had to fight with myself to go to the gym this morning. It just felt so dreadful. It snowed and I didn’t want to have to brush off my car and deal with shitty drivers. I forced myself to get my usual back workout in but I didn’t have the patience to try something new. The area with the equipment for that is always congested and I was allergic to people today, apparently. They were annoying me by simply existing. I barely lasted an hour there. I used the weights in my room when I got home.

I’m getting really frustrated with my lack of upper-body strength. I can’t do a proper pull-up more than once. The amount of weight on the machines I use has almost doubled so I feel like I’m supposed to be a lot stronger. Of course, I stopped doing any and all bodyweight exercises that I used to do since I started going to the gym. I need to get into a routine of at least doing those.

We probably don’t know my back story with the gym… or on anything. I have crippling social anxiety. I stopped letting it make all of my choices over a decade ago. It was the worst in high school. I never finished school. Going back was my goal but it was the biggest fear of my life. I figured that if I could get myself to go to a gym it would just crack the code somehow. Turned out the gym was even scarier. Last year I finally went back to school, 18 years later. I finally made it to the gym a couple of months ago. Those were two-thirds of my biggest fears for my social anxiety. Travelling is next. I don’t even have a passport which is what I am working on tomorrow. I am printing the application and filling it out at my mother’s tomorrow.

TMI Warning
I am getting very frustrated with my body. I still have that problem with my orgasms. I can’t feel them when I have them. 3 days is the goldie lock zone for that. If I wait three days I will be able to feel my orgasm, maybe. I can still have them and get that dopamine release and have some pleasure but it’s not the one I unlocked a few years ago. The neverending one. I discovered a new technique with my massage wand which I can tell is intense and is building a big orgasm but… I can’t feel it. It’s hard to make it make sense. I can feel warmth and tingling where I usually feel it and with this new technique, I was able to feel it all over my body, even on my lips and face.

I realized, however, with this new technique, that I am basically always clenching. 24/7. While I was running on the treadmill, at the gym, I loosened up and my whole body felt blissed out. Had chills running up and down. Only if I had my tongue on the roof of my mouth. I suppose it is an electrical thing. I don’t know the science of what is happening, it’s just happening.

Remember how I keep saying that I inadvertently manifest bullshit? This issue is one of them. I want to be on the semen retention team. The NoFap team. I’m basically being forced into it now. I’ve been chasing a full-body orgasm for several years now. I do have things to show for it, so to speak, but I’ve run into the unfortunate problem of numbing myself out. This could also be a sign of an iodine or B12 deficiency which I am all over at the moment.

I’ll stop talking about that cringe stuff now.

I have booked up my weekend and I’m starting to have buyer’s remorse. I was supposed to study the last few hours but I passed out. I had a three-hour nap. I do this to myself every weekend when I burn through all of my energy first thing in the morning. At least I get to enjoy spending time with my sister and her family this evening. Tomorrow evening I am going to Bruce’s to teach them how to make curries. Then we are streaming the Mothman Prophecies. Before that, I am visiting my mother and then taking my grandmother shopping. I think I will call my grandmother and ask if Monday is okay. I want to get my blood order done, finally, and the place I like to go to is by her place.

I’m going to take a break from my CBD and THC oils. It’s turning me into a couch potato. Once I take any I become useless. There is a time and place for that, I suppose. I really enjoy it though, go figure. The THC makes my throat dry. Both of them make my eyes dry. The THC makes me thirsty, but neither makes me hungry. Just some useless information right there.

Come to think of it. My goal was to quit drinking and my last drink was in October at the cabin for Friendsgiving. My anxiety has been high so I thought I would experiment with CBD oil. I just don’t want to smoke anything so I use the oils. Because I am not drinking, my abs are looking pretty shredded. Like, what!? I am struggling to put on weight though. It’s like, I will finally get my macros right where I need them one day but then I will be full for a week. Literally, I won’t have an appetite until the end of the day and I have to force-feed myself. I eat a high volume of food already as a tall kween with a high metabolism. The amount of protein and calories I need is so overwhelming. Need is not a good word to use but I think we get the gist. I’m already developing slight body dysmorphia when I look in the mirror. I’m never big enough. My shoulders, why can’t I get them to grow? I can barely fight my coat so I know I’m growing. Calm your tits.

Santos Bonacci lost his YouTube channel. His stuff is on Rumble but I don’t know if it is all there. I really wanted to connect to it today so I played one of his astrology lessons. My chart really is a wheel of misfortune, I learned. The three worst placements to have planets in are where my stelliums and North Node are. 6/8/12. It’s at least a day chart and I think my sun, Saturn and Jupiter have good aspects and are strong. Same with Venus.

I tried to play a different game instead of my usual Skyrim this morning. Metal Gear Solid 4. I died immediately. I haven’t even figured out the controls yet and I got frustrated and quit. I really liked the Metal Gear Solid game that I used to play on PS1, which I still have. I bought the 4th one at the thrift store and finally gave it a try. I decided to change it up because Roarke got me into Skyrim. I was thinking about Tyler yesterday too. Those sagas are way over, thank god.

I have to take my car in on Tuesday. I am anticipating it to cost me a lot because they always find something wrong with it. Well, that’s not true. The last two times there wasn’t anything so I just feel like it’s due to have some problems.

I don’t like the way things are at the moment. This is kind of random. I want a completely different set of routines in my life. I am going to aim for that on Monday. I waste so much fucking time. Like, did I need to give an hour to PB today? No. I just like having something to do when I drink my mushroom coffee.

Got to get to my sister’s now. I’m making them my minestrone. I haven’t eaten at all today. Just a fruit smoothie. I’m trash!