And it only took 30 years... in The New Book

I did it. I left. It happened on Saturday but I’m already close to signing for an apartment. I’m THAT done. It should’ve happened A LONG time ago. We all know that. Luckily, I’ve been planning for it for awhile now. I had a loose “safe exit” plan in place. The only thing not settled was where I was going to stay. I had wanted to get an apartment before I left but I just couldn’t take it anymore. It’s working out so far though. In fact, its going so smoothly I feel like the universe is giving me a sign that this is the exact right thing to be doing.

I’m a helluva lot more emotional & unstable than I thought I’d be. Most folks tell me that is normal. I don’t like it. That doesn’t express it enough. I HATE IT. Not being able to stuff things down & contain it from causing breakdowns & overreactions kinda feels like I’m bleeding out. Like, I’m actually dying. I know I’m hurting the feelings of someone I really love too. That hurts even more & causes even more intrusive emotions.

I’m signing up for therapy, of course. It’s just not a quick thing to get that all set up.

I’m exhausted. I’m sleeping but its severely broken up sleep. I wake up every 45 minutes to an hour. That’s also part of the issue, I’m sure. I’m too tired & don’t have the energy I need to keep my emotions under better control. I’m going to pick up some Vistaril from the pharmacy tonight. I hope it helps, Benadryl & Melatonin have done nothing.

It really sucks to be SO CERTAIN that the choices I’m making are exactly what I need to do and to also feel like I’m losing my mind at the same time. Don’t get me wrong. I have already enjoyed more life in the last few days than I’ve had in years. I’ve had glimpses of how great things are going to be. I’m just a little worried that maybe my brain is a little too broken now. Maybe without the constant restrain & control I was living under, I’ll end up crushing myself with the wicked shit my brain screams.

But hey, I did it. That’s the important part.

Last updated December 07, 2023