The feeling is still there in Age 36

So I wrote how I have been feeling lately. Therapist yesterday said to take a walk when the feelings started to get to intense, but at the onset. Holy crap may I say that that works. I was very surprised. I’m like, “What a 10 minute walk going to do?” Let me tell you. It does enough. Tonight was I was feeling resentful, angry, disappointed. All of that was swirling around in a maelstrom and I wanted to do what I always revert to when I can’t journal and the feelings get to intense: Hurting myself.

Now let me clarify. I am not a cutter. I thought about it, I mean really thought about, but I found that it wasn’t enough. Like I said in my last post, the intensity of my feelings directly correlate to how they manifest physically. If I am feeling like a volcano that is about to burst…Well a volcano when it erupts its not calm and quiet (usually). Its strong, dramatic, and a force of nature like it should be. I need to hit something. I need a big impact to feel the big impact. I want that pain in my body like when I punch a very hard surface, dig my nails into my skin, or hit my head repeatedly against a hard surface. That to me is like a release, its a climax of my emotions physically and, at least for awhile, I can breathe. I don’t feel everything so chaotic within me. I have a moment to focus and clear my head for the tasks that need my attention.

I was feeling much like this today. I was looking for something. I had my eyes set on a hair clip. I wanted to dig it into my skin. I wanted to feel my body relax, like after an orgasm. You usually get sleepy after a really good one. That’s a fraction of how I feel when I do this. Its not as good as an orgasm by any means, but it matches the same pattern. Crescendo, crescendo, crescendo, then…climax! Same with my emotions. The get stronger, more overwhelming, all consuming…until I finally do something physical to release it.

I need to sort through my emotions a little better. I need to pinpoint some stuff, but other than that, the walk did wonders. I didn’t get to the point where I had to seek out physical release. My hands thank me. But those feelings are definitely still there. I feel like an addict who has fell off the bandwagon. I am not quite so bad that I would need to start from step one. One thing my therapist did say was that now I have the tools that I didn’t before to cope and heal so that I don’t fall back into really hurting myself or relying on only that method. I do have to look back on my journey and see that I have made significant progress and never deny myself those kudos.