Letting Go in A Ways Away

This year is quickly coming to a close. It seemed as though I blinked and it’d just started. Time is not our own and though I could go on and on about spending it the way you want to, how you want to, in abundance, I also realize that there are so many other things within our own little worlds that keep us from doing just that. There is a certain care with things in which caution just simply can’t be ‘thrown into the wind’. There are sacrifices to be made between the whole ‘This or That’, a constant thing that ALL of us have within our lives, albeit the trillions of varieties that there are for every unique being that roams this planet.

I’ve struggled with forgiveness and letting go for years. For as long as I could seek to remember (even while there are things that I never wish to remember again), I have had a hard pressed wrestle with forgiveness. Whenever someone has trespassed against boundaries, has purposefully gone out of their way to bring offense to my doorstep, there are times where I have kept them within my life anyway, only to get myself hurt again and again and again. Loneliness had pressed it’s boot’s heel into my heart to make an imprint. It’s NOT as easy as going out and socializing, when I’ve been convinced that no one really wants to be around me. I’ve been the weird person, the odd one out of every situation. This doesn’t mean that I haven’t had friends and have grown friendships, but these are often the people that have hurt me.

Clean disconnections are rare, but not impossible. These people that I do tend to push out of my life, once we’ve met a wall in the development of trust, I find myself so angry about, that I am unable to forgive. There is SO much energy use in being mean, in being unforgiving and I have learned that just because I’ve forgiven someone, that does not make me weak or soft enough to even be stupid enough to allow them to return. This was a hard lesson to learn..

I used to forgive people instantly, and allow them to roll back into my little cocoon, but as I grew, I became more rigid. Now, the situation has seemed to turn itself upside down. With my clean disconnections, the ones that had a friendship that meant something, there is nothing to forgive, but I find that I cannot let them go, even while they may have moved on. Why am I still holding onto something that is now a ghost? When people leave me, I feel hopeless, because I know how difficult it is for me to meet new acquaintances to make those into possibly friendships. I don’t think that it’s the work that I’m worried about. It’s the rejection.

Yes, the rejection. I want to let go, I want to be light, I want to just move up and away.

Last updated December 04, 2023