Friday night/this morning. in Since OD is shutting down....

I wasn’t sure on when to get my kid last night but I knew she was tired so I picked her up about an hour and a half before they closed. I was worried she would come out crying because she wasn’t ready to leave but she was just fine. My brother’s girlfriend and my niece were sick as hell so we stopped at the store to get them ginger ale and ginger paste. We dropped it off outside their house and came home for pizza.

This morning we were able to get breakfast like we always do and it was really special because we got to go in our car because we didn’t get to while it was broke down. We did breakfast and then got some new shampoo, body wash, bath bombs, and some tv dinner because my daughter said she wanted them for dinner. I was definitely glad to just have the money to get the stuff we needed.

We then went and got some new shoes, socks, gloves and a new outfit at a thrift store. My daughter puts holes in her pants at school so I’m always on the hunt for more pants. I just showered and now we’re just watching TV. My brother text right away this morning saying that one guy wants to take her swimming Wednesday night and I wrote back saying I don’t think it’s a good idea. He’s just so negligent and I don’t want my daughter in water unless there’s another adult present. I also don’t want to worry about her having wet hair as it gets super cold now as soon as the sun goes down and then I have to worry about her getting sick.

I got some argan oil shampoo from the store because some girl on Tik Tok uses it and said it helps her hair grow really long. My hair is growing out after I chopped it super short after Covid but I’d love for it to get long like it used to be. It’s definitely growing out, just not as fast as I want it to. It’s healthy but shorter than what I like. I look at old pictures of when it was long, beautiful, and healthy and I get upset.

But yeah, I’m still pretty annoyed at yesterday with my caseworker. I’m still pissed that she called me out in front of everyone on Thursday too. It’s all just further motivation to get a job and GTFO. I’m super glad I don’t have to be there at all next week and I don’t see her again until the 11th and that’s just to check in and hopefully get my laptop. Even if the job thing doesn’t work out, I want a computer to work from home or get back into school. I’m just still annoyed at how I was telling her I was a little nervous about another TANF Mom working with me and people finding out my business. She’s like, “well you can’t not take the job because of that” and it’s like okay I never said that I won’t take the job, I’m expressing concern! Like holy fuck!

It’s like the laptop thing. EVERYONE was talking about it but she decided to call me out since I sent her a text. Even though I said in the text that everyone was asking. I wish these fucking people would keep in mind why we are all there. We’re there because someone chooses to lack participation in raising their fucking kids! If my DBD helped either financially or physically, I know for a fact my situation would have never ended up with me applying for TANF!!! I can guarantee that none of us sitting in there wanted this for ourselves or our children.

There was a caseworker last time I was there that said something rude about a woman not showing up. She was taking to someone else and I heard her say, “well, if she wants a paycheck” and it’s like okay well stay humble because it could be YOU sitting on the other side of this shit someday! I think all of them that have been there for a good amount of time have just lost their compassion and probably should find other employment. This is a shitty thing for us having to be there but they don’t have to be assholes either.

It’s like Mom’s will be on Facebook talking about how hard it is to find childcare for the hours they need and the cost. Other people will be on there saying how having kids isn’t a disability and you need to figure it out! Um, yeah well obviously that’s what they are trying to do but you don’t want to work just to pay someone to watch your kids either! There’s also the issue about finding the RIGHT childcare that’s a good fit for your kids and I don’t think it’s wrong to be worried that it’s expensive as fuck! Having kids DOES become a disability when you have no village and everything is pricey to the point where you wonder if working is even going to benefit you and help your situation!

There’s plenty of Mom’s that don’t care about working and have zero issue living off the government but there’s also quite a few of us that are trying to come out of it! I want better for my daughter and myself. I’m super glad that we have a safe, stable home, a car, that we do have what we need but I want to be able to buy a house someday. I want a better, newer car too. I never thought I’d end up where I’m at but I’m doing EVERYTHING within my power to get us where we need to be.

It’s like you have to ask that question of am I living off the system or am I stuck in it? I get that they make it pretty easy for people to just sit around and do nothing but welfare only covers so much too. I think a lot of the people who talk shit and look down on single parents do it because it’s not them and it never was. Things are different in today’s world. Grandparents used to actually help with watching kids. There was more Dad’s that stepped up. It’s completely different now. I watch at least 40 Tik Tok videos every single day of women crying their hearts out because they don’t have the help they need so they can work!

It’s like you are just expected to fling your kids into daycare and forget about them. Like you aren’t supposed to have any concerns! I don’t know about everywhere else, but here the childcare is fucking awful. I see shit EVERY SINGLE DAY on Facebook about daycares here and I would NEVER put my daughter in another one! You shouldn’t have to be at work and be sick worrying that your kids are being abused or mistreated! Daycares aren’t interested in actually caring for your kids, making a bond with them. They just worry about their paychecks. Even like when my daughter was in daycare, all they ever did was hand me a bill. I’d give them their payment and 2 days later, I’d get yet another bill! It’s like I was NEVER done paying!

I really do wish that I trusted my kid’s Dad. I think it’s got to be the worst feeling in the world that every time she goes with him, I’m just scared to death something is going to happen to her. He’s shown to be so bitter towards me that I do worry about her safety. I also have my concerns that if he’s still working and CS comes out of his next paycheck that he would take it out on her. All he’s ever done is talk about signing over his rights and become abusive if CS was even mentioned. I’ve seen more crazy and bitter than I know what to do with and I do worry about something bad happening to my child because of it. I think about how much shit I’ve seen about Dad’s harming their kids over CS or simply because they want to hurt the Mom. I have no doubt that he is capable of the same shit.