Good things. in Since OD is shutting down....

My daughter woke up in a good mood which always makes me happy. I got her to school, got my breakfast and then went to my thing. There was only 2 of us in there. They were all in their little room talking with the door shut and then the one lady came out and said they were shutting down for a month!! We won’t have to be there for an entire month?!?! OMFG!!! Hell to the yes bro!

My caseworker had me come to her desk and make a new roadmap. She asked about my after school thing and I had to admit that I did the fingerprinting. I know she felt justified to catch me in a lie but today is day 10 and I still haven’t gotten a phone call. She put in for my laptop and I go in and see her on the 11th and hopefully I’ll get it then. I’m worried that I may not get it with this job pending. I desperately need a new laptop and if I don’t get this job, there’s no back up plan. I can’t even get hired at fast food places because of my limited availability.

I’m definitely glad that I’ll be free of that place for the next month but I’m definitely concerned about not getting that laptop because if this job doesn’t pan out, I am considering going back to school online and will need a working computer. Mine has to stay plugged in, the CD drive doesn’t work anymore and it constantly freezes up.

It’s really giving me anxiety about this job. Like I’m seriously scared to death that I’m going to be on TANF for a long time and I am just about that. The longer I’m there, the more money that will be paid back to the state and I may not see any of it. Yeah, it’s a help for now and I completely appreciate everything they’ve done for me but I want to have my own job and be doing it on my own like I did before.

I’m more stressed about getting the job than actually going to it. There’s just been so many different variables about working since I’ve had my daughter. It’s frustrating that DB could work any job he wanted with whatever schedule and not worry about childcare AND STILL WON’T work!!! I have so many different things to stress about that by the time I start working, I’ll probably be pretty chill because I’ve already spent so much time worrying about it!

I’m just trying really hard to not be a ball of nerves because I get a break from that place for the next month. I’m really hoping that job is going to call but they probably won’t. That’s just how my luck goes.

I just think it’s ridiculous that he’s gotten so much of a free pass all these years. I remember when I went back to work after my maternity leave and paid plenty of money for babysitters until daycare finally worked out. This guy has pretty much always lived within walking distance and has NEVER helped with her but then decides I need to hand her over when he gets around to wanting to impress a new girlfriend. He’s made absolute sure that he’s been of no use in raising his child! Other than the CS he’s paid, all he’s done is provide drama and a fucking headache.

If he would have stepped up financially and physically, our lives would be so different now. Our quality of life would be way better than it is. I would have had the money to pay a sitter and work. There would be more money for things such as oil changes, getting her into gymnastics and us being able to get out and do more things instead of being stuck at home most of the time. Him not paying doesn’t just affect me but I don’t think anyone understands that. They don’t want to.

My daughter changed my whole world. My life has changed in every aspect there is. For him, she’s been just an excuse, a scapegoat, and a source of drama and entertainment. He wasn’t there when she didn’t sleep through the night. He’s missed every single milestone. Every first day of school. He didn’t even know when she was potty trained. The guy still has the same mindset to blame everything on me.

I think it’s pretty gross that he’s lived within walking distance all along and made no effort until he hooked up with someone who had money and a car. He used my daughter to convince this girl that he actually cared about his child. My daughter has never meant anything to him and anytime there’s contact I’m just reminded even more. He dipped out on her for 3 months and then showed up at her school with a handful of excuses. I asked her this week if she’d want him to visit her again and she was fully adamant on saying no. I have no doubt that she has him figured out and just doesn’t care anymore.

My medication has been bothering me today with a stomach ache. I’m going to lay down and relax for awhile.

So then my Mom text me asking her to help with Doordash. I don’t respond. I’m not at all concerned with helping people that have no contact with me and make no effort with my child. I know that he’s got a lot of influence with that but I don’t care. We don’t exist unless they have a crisis or need something. I used to think that it was just my job to help them with whatever they needed and since I’ve had a child and been on my own with zero fucking support, I have a lot different view now. These people make sure they don’t help, they have almost no contact with my brother and I so they can figure out shit for themselves just like we get to do. Every day.

I’m also not feeling the greatest and want to try and relax before I go get my kid and have her for the next 2 days by myself. My brother called and said that his daughter and girlfriend are sick as hell so we probably won’t be going over there this weekend and I’m good with just hanging out at home. I do hope that she’ll go with her big sister over the weekend so she’ll get a little break from the house but if not, that’s okay too.

My Dad is a disgusting excuse for a human being. He’s had way too much control for way too long and it’s pretty obnoxious that he’s able to control what contact or relationship we get to have with my Mother and it’s still not enough. I just want to know how you could be like this and never feel any remorse. All he’s ever done is keep my Mom to himself and we don’t hear from them unless they need shit. I’ve put up with this shit my whole life and I don’t care to engage in it anymore. I’m on my own every day with my daughter and have to figure out life for the both of us with no help or moral support so I’m not super concerned with helping anyone else.