Why Won't You? in Me Being Me

Stop your suffering and just live the best life you can? Why is it you have to suffer and force those around you to suffer also? And how long are you going to be miserable for? I know for a fact that if I am depressed for more then a week I find that there are some people who will just give up on me and won’t talk to me because they are just tired of me being so depressed. Especially when I am not even helping myself get out of it. And another good thing is to talk about it and to get hwat others have done and other informtion and to get councelling so you can use the tools that are given to you. I found that when I wa sat my worst that all the friends I did have just asked how I was and when I said okay and they could hear I was still depressed thenjust stopped talking because they didn’t want to be brought down to the same level as I was and they just left me alone. And they even stop asking if there is anything they can do for you.
But the worse part is when you ask what is wrong and they basically tell you it’s none of your business and you are handling this the best you can. the truth is you are not because you are getting a lot closer to what is called rock bottm ans soon it will be even harder to stand up and get out.
But the thing is especially if you have others who depend on you how can you be the good mother or father you once were? Don’t you think they are suffering and not getting what they need? When I was at my worst I use to watch my son sleep and think to myself what a presious thing he is and how lucky he is not to be screwed up like me.
But the experts say if you have a pet that seems to make things and life better because they depend on you to care for them. And you aslo seem to live longer.
I would love to have a pet but my slum lord told em I can’t have one just because she doesn’t want the mess the pets make. But I do know that I would feel like I am contributing more to life and I would probally be talking to the dog or cat. And and anything else that makes me happy I can’t have or do because she is deathly afraid of things like fire or anything that raises the electricity bill. Like a space heater. There are a lot of days where I feel not too bad but I am still not totally happy because I look around and things still are nto fixed so I wonder when they will be fixed and how much sicker I will get. I am just waiting for something else to get mold on it and something else to rot and crack more. I have never felt like this in all of the places I have rented except this one. I can’t undertsand why a slum lord would want a renter who is unahppy and hate them so much? But she likes it when I am like this because then she can tell me I am worthless and have no rights and what she says goes because this is her house and I don’t rent here. This is where I wish we could just sit down and have some coffee and just talk and get things resolved like find out why things won’t get fixed and how can I feel like I am a somebody?
The more I feel like I am a nothing the more I just want to die and make a mess so others have to clean it up. But then I could never do that to the people I actually do love.

Onto something else....

Today at some point we are getting a brand new dryer from costco it’s suppose to be here anytie from 8-4 pm today so it will be interesting when it gets here. Hubby is taking today off because he knows that the slumlord and I don’t get along and I am sure she will say something that I will react to. So he told me to stay away from the laundry room and he will deal with her and the dryer. I just told him I want the information of how to use the dryer and what I need to do to keep it working. I also want to know how long the warrenty is so I know if I can ask for it to be fixed.

Onto something else…

Other then the dryer comming there is not much else going on. I just have some domestic work to do and dinner to figure out. And the rest of the day is just one of those chill days so it should be nice and relaxing. I just need to remeber not to go into the laundry room till the guy and the slumlord is gone.

Well, I need to stop here…
Do have a great day....
Be Kind, Be Calm, Be Safe, And Behave.

Last updated November 28, 2023