Shake shake in Vulnerability

Whoaaaa, last night wasn’t pleasant. Like holy-cow. I’m not sure what brought it on (besides the obvious trauma of the past week) but my anxiety was so severe and I was freaking out about how to even control it. I’m finding it hard to describe, almost like I was feeling psychotic and wanting to lash out at anything, but not really, because I’m a pussycat. And I wondered about some of the notes I’ve had here lately about a panic attack. But I’ve had a panic attack before, and this felt different? Is that me being stubborn? There has to be more than one variety of panic attack, right? Like when I couldn’t get a first Covid Booster and was freaking out that it was going to get me and kill me in 2020 (wasn’t that a fun time to be alive!? It just almost happened three years later), I had an obvious panic attack then in that I was breathing heavy, trying to calm myself down, feeling absolute dread.
This time was like nerves. Like my whole nervous system was interacting with my brain and making me shake and my head was spinning as well and I didn’t know what to do. It was so fucking scary. It was right as I was about to go to sleep. I quickly Googled what to do to calm a panic attack, as I didn’t have any other answers. It said to ‘Remind yourself that it will pass’, ‘take deep breaths’ and do the ‘three things you can see, three things you can hear, three things you can touch’.
I tried to over-ride the nerves, but my heart was beating so fast - “This will pass, this will pass, you’ll be okay, you’ll be okay’. I laid still and took deep breaths. This wasn’t easy with my dizziness and I was sure the pill I had taken around an hour and a half earlier still wasn’t working. It was not a fun time.
And then, a miracle happened. I remember rolling over and closing my eyes, despite the absolute circus that was going on in my head and my body.
I woke up the next day. My exhaustion must have somehow over-ridden my body fucking me dom-top-style over. I felt okay. I felt calm laying there in my bed. My fan was still turning, air blowing on me as it oscillated. I felt relief. I did not feel like I did before slumber.
FUCK that was scary. I remember it was so bad that I almost wanted to throw myself off the balcony. It was like a fucking demon was in there or something. I don’t feel like going down that road. I know I haven’t been well, and that’s what I’m going with.
I had to wonder if it was a side effect of the new cholesterol medication? Surely not. I didn’t read anything in the 8 pages of notes about it making me want to go to the insane asylum. It can’t be a side effect of the anti-dizzy tablets, as I’ve been taking them for a while now.
MAN this has been a week. I’m wondering what else it can throw at me. Tune in tomorrow lol.

I was actually glad to have been given an extra shift today, and I went in for it. I needed to occupy my brain. I was very wobbly though. At one point I was talking to my manager and I had to grab the top of the nearby fridge to steady myself. I immediately went to my locker to grab an anti-dizzy pill. I knew it would take a while to kick in, so I just sat and tried to breathe. “I can still breathe, so I am okay”. One of my workmates was trying to have a conversation with me, and I just wasn’t listening to her. She was so lovely to me though, when I arrived. She gets dizziness too (but I believe from vertigo, which I’m hoping isn’t what I have) and was telling me about her VR training last week and how she felt dizzy for the rest of the day. I told her that I’d told the store manager that I refuse to do it, and that was before any of this shit happened, because of my motion sickness. I told her how he’d said to me, “Oh well, this’ll be a good test then.” Her eyes went wide. I honestly don’t believe my store manager meant anything malicious by saying that to me, but upon me telling him about my hospital admission when I saw him on Monday, he’d suddenly changed to, “Don’t feel like you have to do it.” So that’s something. Cos I fucking won’t be.
The VR training is to do with agressive customers, so I assume it must be a scenario where a customer is right in front of me and teaches me what to do. It’s s shame I can’t do that training because it’s something that would probably benefit me.
The police were in at my work today, arresting a customer. Lolz. Nothing unusual.

I’m wondering when this will be over. I’ve felt better since today’s pill has kicked in, but I do not want a repeat of last night. I’m comforted in the fact that I currently feel alright. Right now, I feel calm. I don’t feel my nerves fighting against my brain, my body shaking like it was last night. I don’t feel like throwing myself off the balcony.
I have a new housemate moving in next week, I can’t do that lol.
I have to try and organise the utilities tomorrow so they don’t get cut off when my housemate moves.

Anyway, so that’s been my last 24hrs-ish.