Knocking on Death's door in Adventures in paradise

Today hasn’t been fun.

I actually put on my work clothes and had my bag ready to go to work, when I realised I was feeling queasy. I wasn’t gonna be able to get through this shift if I went in. So I took my work clothes off and climbed back into bed. Didn’t even call in sick. They barely ever answer anyway. The ASM knew I was in the hospital yesterday, so surely can figure it out.

As for my day today, I’m still alive, and my head has been okay. I even managed to sleep okay. I just kept off my left side. But today I felt nauseus all day. I’ve convinced myself that it was the ready-meal that I had for dinner last night, but it could just as well be the stress my body has gone through lately causing this. I’ve been wanting to throw up all day, and just haven’t yet. It’s so annoying. It’s that similar food-poisoning(ish) feeling where I know if I can just throw up whatever muck is in there, I will feel a hell of a lot better. But no, it hasn’t happened, and I’m still feeling like shit.
Google says to let throwing up happen naturally, and not to force it. I’d rather chug a litre of spoilt milk or something so I can (hopefully) move on with my life.

I guess that means I’m optimistic that I’ll get better, so that’s good. My thoughts were all over the place today, but that’s nothing unusual. I thought, “Wow, I’m a few weeks out from turning 40 - I can’t want my gravestone to read that I didn’t make it!” I looked at myself in the mirror in the lift and pointed at myself and said, “Behave yourself! Get better!” I flashed myself a smile. Probably the first time I have smiled in half a week. The reason I was in the lift is that I stupidly decided that going to the gym would help me feel better today. I got about halfway there when I decided I was being stupid, and turned around and headed home.
I stopped in at the fancy supermarket and bought some soup and ginger tea, and some bland foods that I think my stomach can handle (It came to $51 for like 6 items - cost of living is out of control!), as though I have a fucking flu, which I don’t.
They didn’t test me for Covid at the hospital because I have ZERO of the usual Covid symptoms, but my brain is still trying to tell myself that’s what this is, despite both of my (out of date) RATs coming back negative. I don’t have damn Covid, although if I catch that as well whilst I have this, I can pretty much kiss my life goodbye, given how fucked beyond belief it got me earlier this year. Would be just my luck. I feel like Death has been knocking of my door.

I just keep thinking about how am I going to handle sicknesses like this when I’m old and grey? Like if I can barely handle them at age 39, how the fuck will I deal with them when I’m 70? In that case, I think I’d rather die young. Then of course that led to my brain somewhat understanding why a lot of people decide to commit suicide. If we’re all gonna die anyway, why not take control of that? Why let a fucker of an illness make me feel like utter shit and then take it away from me anyway? Why let some crazy person take it away with violence or a hate crime? Anyway, besides that thought, I’m not actually suicidal. I’m still wanting answers. I’m hoping my doctor knows something. He’s an older man with old-school kind of ways, but he’s kind of been my regular for years. He still grabs his medical books from his shelf and flicks through them whilst I am there lol. I wonder how much he knows about vertigo? My friend thinks he may give me a referral for a scan if I tell him about my king-hit. I’ve never mentioned that to him and it happened so long ago anyway. I’m just trying to understand why my head was spinning whilst I was at rest. The ear-crystals balancing thing that the doctor at the ER told me makes a lot of sense. He did say he wasn’t sure, but it’s something, and I was so appreciative. Especially after sitting in those rooms on a chair for 6+ hours.

My stomach still feels tight. Ergh. I’m still meant to work tomorrow and I still don’t know if I will. I keep telling myself that my health is more important that a few extra dollars at work by actually working the shift than not (I only get base-rate in sick pay). Then on Monday morning (at 7:40am!) I can see my doctor. For whatever reason, the Medicare rebate is worth more before 8am at my doctor.

Anyway, these entries are boring as fuck lately. At least if I have a sudden aneurysm, I wa trying to understand what was going on.