Reality is Cruel in Phoenix Rises Again

I sometimes feel myself slipping back into delusion. Just daydreaming, drifting into a more exciting world. There I feel powerful and special. I feel like I have a destiny. But it’s all just make believe. The real world is far more mundane and frustrating. Went to see my ex today and wish her a happy birthday. Not sure if she enjoyed my visit or not. I didn’t stay long.

I’ve been mentally absent the last few days, drained. And now I’m feeling sick. It’s just the vaccines I know but it still sucks. Hope I feel better in the morning. I need to stop missing school and stop avoiding life and it’s many challenges.

Not looking forward to Thanksgiving with my parents but I feel obligated to go since my birthday is the next day. It’s probably going to suck anyway. My dad’s still pissed at me. He thinks I’m ungrateful. He bought me a computer.... to replace the one he broke, with half the hardrive space. I picked it out but only because its the best I could do with the budget I was given. The computer he broke was a samsung and cost considerably more when I bought it. Dont get me wrong, the new one will do juat fine. What upset me is that he called it my birthday present and didnt see what was wrong with that. When you break someones stuff and then replace it hastily, thats not a present. Its the least you can do. Its a requirment. I couldnt do schoolwork without a computer. And he should have known better than to force a charger into it that was the wrong size. Some techie extraordinair eh? So now he’s mad. And Im just adding it to the things hes said and done over the years to let me know he doesnt really care about me. Im a burden. He does the things he does for me to get rid of me. Not because he loves me. Just like my mom does nice things because shes manic or has a temporary moment of guilt for all the terrible things shes done to me. Is it any wonder that Im so jaded when it comes to the concept of love and family? Only one peraon has ever stayed by my side forever, only God. I fuess I shouldnt expect that from anyone else, but it does get lonely.

Had a horrible nightmare last night. I dont remember much of it except that my parents were hurting me and I woke up trying to figure out which horrors were real and which were the dream. I was relieved that the terrible parts were just a dream but dissappinted that I didnt wake up in that world where Jay and I are still friends. I always hope for that. It just wont happen. Ill never wake up next to him or with him staring at me and asking what I was dreaming about. Ill never wake up to a text from him asking if I want to come over or to some event or to play video games with him. Ill always wake up in a world so much more tereible than my fantasies but still not so terrible as my nightmares. At least until the day I dont wake up.

I hope that by the time Im old I have a different perapectove on life and dont wake up miserable that he ia gone and not understanding wherw the time went or why I have become so old when my mind and my heart are still trapped in the past.

I need a significant experience. A life changing one. I need something to shake the foundation of my soul so that I see that time as so ling ago and not just as the mistakes of yesterday that I can never change. It always feels like just yesterday. The pain wasn’t a long time ago. The pain is now. The memory is blazing bright and his absence from my life is a cloud that always hangs so close to my head. It’s hard to feel the warmth of the sun. Maybe he was the sun. Maybe I stood too close. What choice did I have anyway? But now it’s dark and gloomy. I just want to get excited about something again. I want to feel the nervous butterflies and the giddy happiness that hurts my face from smiling like a fool. I want to feel again.

I want his attention in a way I never did. How cruel of him to let me get used to being treated so well knowing that nobody else would ever be capable of making me feel that way. How cruel of him to give me dreams and rip them away just when I started to believe. I just want desperately to be surrounded by him for a few minutes, enveloped by his intense focus, marinated in his passion, awed by his excitement and magnetism. I just want to feel alive for a while.

Suppose I should do homework and get some rest. Set my annoying alarm so I don’t miss class again. Try to dream of a more realistic future where I am happy even if not with him in my life.

Reality is cruel.