Life. in Since OD is shutting down....

I really went to my thing right after I got my daughter to school. My favorite lady that works in there said she put in her notice and her last day is next week. It’s just further motivation for me to get the fuck out of there. I like being able to dip out before the nutrition class which I did again this time. I’m to go talk to a lady about a job at some point but I don’t know if I will. I can’t really start until the 27th because I have my procedure on Thursday and there’s no school next week. I’m not sure how I would explain all this. I don’t really want to drive across town so I’m still deciding right now.

This whole thing where I don’t have help outside of school is really starting to suck. There’s a part of me that would like to message him and see if we could work things out so I could plan to have a job but I just know that it would be another fruitless conversation of him blaming me for everything and him still not in a place to have her. I am so tired of doing it by myself but that’s the way it is.

I just think it’s disgusting that my Mom couldn’t help even in a pinch once or twice a year. It’s absolutely crazy that someone is ALLOWED to have as much control as he does. I just want to know how you would never feel bad about being this way.

All I know is I told my favorite lady there today that I love them all but I don’t want to be there forever. I’m seriously sick of it. I’m seriously so tired of having to worry about being in that place and scared to death that I’ll be there longer than I already have been. Sometimes I think about how different out lives would be had I been blessed with a village.

They called about my procedure and I would need someone to stay with me so I could be sedated. I told her that I won’t have anyone so she’s going to call me back and see if the the dr will do it if I’m not sedated. She said it’s not a super comfortable procedure and I don’t really want to go through with it unless I’m sedated. My caseworker is able to drive me there but she can’t stay and I don’t have anyone else. I may let them know I will call and schedule it on a day where I would have someone to stay with me.

It’s just really awful that I don’t have the help I need and there’s always something to remind me. Whether it’s an appointment or school stuff, I am to figure it all out with no help at all. I really hope that everyone around me feels great about the predicament I’m left in. This is just insane that there’s no one to ask. My brother starts a new job that day. He suggested I ask his Mom but we know how that goes. She would absolutely agree to do it but she wouldn’t be able to come by herself and my Dad wouldn’t willingly sit there that long. He’s incredibly impatient. I thought of asking my little brother but he has the same patience level so there’s no point.

I’m incredibly frustrated. It’s really hard to not get depressed about this shit. It’s like I just get knocked down with everything I try to do. I can’t even get a fucking job within school hours so that I wouldn’t need to ask anyone to help with my daughter and now I won’t be able to get this procedure done because there’s no one to stay with me.

Anyways, I’m going to get my kid soon. I’m glad that there’s no school next week and I’m hoping to get to sleep in. I was hoping to get this procedure out of the way so I wouldn’t have to worry about it but it’s probably not going to happen. I don’t know when I would be able to get it done because everyone that would help has jobs.

I go tomorrow after my thing to get new tires put on. I’m really hoping my car will ride better with decent tires. I’m just so done with today.