It's all grey in Phoenix Rises Again

Been super depressed the last couple of days. Don’t know that there’s anyone I feel comfortable talking to about it anymore. Friends that you think will be there for you forever, no matter what, they leave eventually too. Therapists leave at an alarming rate. Parents just remind me how little they care every time I talk to them.

Even my brother who I tell everything to… well I just don’t think he’d talk to me about this. I saw his face when I was wearing the hoodie with my favorite song on it. All pinched up and agitated, trying not to say anything. He knows, he acts like he doesn’t. I wish he understood that it just makes it worse when people try to act like the past never happened. Trying to get me to forget. It’s too late for that. And my brain can’t move on.

I know I’m old, but I look in the mirror and I’m shocked to see the time on my face. Is that how it will always be? My mind always trapped in the past? My heart too cold to feel anymore.

My bestie is manipulating me. Acting crazy to get his way. I blamed myself for letting him get this way. Forcing him to go back to an abusive household. But then I saw him control it. He was starting in on the crazy then realised it was almost time for d and d and just stopped.... fuck you. Reminded me of my mom. Rage. Hold it in.

I’m not sure where to go from here other than to not give up. Just keep trying. Keep fighting for something because if I don’t fight for something I won’t get anything. But what now?

Wish you were here to fight with me.
But you never will be will you?
I can’t believe that.
It hurts too much.
I’ll just keep lieing to myself.
I’ll just keep fighting.
Maybe someday I’ll win.
I wonder if I’ll even care.

Everyone wants me to be a nurse. Not a doctor. Sucks for them. It’s not what I want.
Eventually I have to go after what I want.
So long as it doesn’t hurt anyone.

Miss you still. Wish you cared. Hope you are well old friend. Gnight.