On Boys and Men in Going public

My dating life continues to be a struggle. To recap the last couple years, post-stalker:

First, I met The Dentist. We had instant chemistry and things were good for a few months before I finally saw his house (he lives about a 2 hr drive from me, but spends a lot of time in my area). It’s hard to describe everything that was wrong with it, but it indicated an utter lack of long term compatibility. I tried to end things with him, but it didn’t take. We ended up being FWB for quite awhile, all while I was dating other people and failing to find anything serious.

This past summer, I met AP. Once AP asked me to be his girlfriend, I had to tell The Dentist that I wanted to become strictly platonic with him. AP and I were in a relationship for a few months, but ultimately I ended things. The bottom line was that I didn’t feel the chemistry or ‘spark’ or passion for him that I needed to feel, and a few things happened that kind of gave me the ‘ick’. I do feel good about that relationship in the sense that I am inching toward finding the right partner. Like, he was great on paper and had most of the qualities I’d want in a lifelong partner.

After I broke up with AP, I got back on the dating app in record time. I just didn’t feel much sadness about the relationship ending, and wanted to move forward. I think I was on the app for about a week before I matched with AC. I met AC about a week and a half ago now.

Guys, I’m in trouble with this one. The conversation with AC on the app was immediately good, and we decided to meet up the day after we started talking. I met him at a pizza place on a Wednesday evening after he finished work. He was a bit awkward at first, and a little different than I expected. AC is tall (6‘3 to my 5‘11), and masculine - my favorite! As we ate our pizza, AC described his current situation - separated since January, but not yet divorced. Separated but still living with his ex and their FOUR kids. F o u r k i d s.

We finished our dinner and decided to keep hanging out, so I suggested bowling. Unfortunately when we got there, the bowling alley was busy with league play. It was raining and cold (so going for a walk was not an option), and I don’t drink anymore (so no bars), so I invited AC back to my place to hang out. Terrible and dangerous idea? Yes. But I did it anyway.

Back at my place we turned on The Office (I’ve never seen it before), and things turned physical (of course they did). We had amazing sex for hours, even though I was on my period.

Since then, we’ve been kinda inseparable. We met on a Wednesday, and it was his birthday the following Monday. He had taken off work Monday/Tuesday and he spent both days with me while I worked from home. I made him tiramisu (his favorite) and tried to make him feel special. Even when I had to disappear to complete some work, it felt good to have someone in the house with me.

AC lives 10 minutes away from me, we have amazing physical and mental chemistry, what’s not to like? Oh right, his home situation..

I was definitely worried he was lying to me about his separation, but for a few different reasons I’m reassured that he is being honest. For example, he’s invited me to be his date to his work Christmas party.

Another complication: one of my biggest desires in life is to have kids of my own, but AC already has four and has had a vasectomy.

So, the situation is messy messy messy. On paper, AC shouldn’t be a candidate for a long-term partner for me. But the FEELINGS I’m having are hard to ignore. AC has told me he paused his dating app, because he found what he’s looking for in me. I haven’t done the same. I’m not ready to say that AC is it for me. But, the dating apps are dryyyy right now. It’s not like I’m turning down great opportunities to date great guys in favor of seeing AC. I get a few likes a week and they’re usually very clearly duds.

So, despite the messyness of AC’s situation, and despite the fact that I shouldn’t be getting myself involved in this, I am. I just felt like I needed a win. I needed to feel a fun, passionate, loving connection with someone. And I have that with AC. I have no idea where it will lead or if it will end in disaster, but here we are.