Why? in A Ways Away

I honestly don’t know why I can’t cry anymore. I remember when I was younger, it seemed as though all I ever did was cry, because I was angry or depressed or afraid of something. Whenever I finished praying and was ready for bed, I cried because I would have rather lived with my father, than my mother. I cried in the bathroom at school because I felt that I wasn’t as smart as the rest of the kids, or as pretty as the rest of the girls. I’d always been picked on and bullied since the dawn of time and for that, I cried. But now? I can’t remember the last time I actually shed a tear. I didn’t even shed a tear for the last funeral I attended. Are there times where I feel as though I might cry? Seldom.. but when those times are near, I can never shed a single tear. I’ve tried to make myself cry any way that I could and some of those methods were really ridiculous.. and now, here I am, awake at nearly four in the morning.. thinking that I am about to cry, but my eyes fail me, yet again…

You know… the holidays have come up and around the corner so fast and I don’t think that I dislike the idea of gathering for the Holidays.. but I dislike what it’s become, as far as marketing is concerned. What I also don’t enjoy, is the fact that I am being guilted into spending the upcoming holiday with my father. I often wonder if he knows that he’s being emotionally manipulative when he says what he does towards me, in hopes that I would just give in. The only reason that I do give in, is to avoid confrontation or the inevitability of him misunderstanding my intention, if I so much as think about or fix my mouth to just say ‘no’.

Emotional Manipulation is traumatic and I have endured it from him for all of my life. I should consider myself lucky, that even after he and my mother divorced, he was still willing to be a part of my life and I do thank God for that.. I just wish that something like this, didn’t come with the price that I often pay, for the connection. Not a lot of people in my life have ever truly been willing to validate my problems and so, this is about two decades worth of built up feelings that have been repressed. Telling him, is a hurricane without a name. So, I’ll just bite the bullet..

I wonder if I’ll cry at their house.

Last updated November 10, 2023