Sunday. in Since OD is shutting down....

We had the time change and it already sucks. But we got up and did breakfast. I’m definitely glad to get some groceries and be done with that. I’ve been cleaning up the house and just trying to relax because tomorrow starts another week. I’m going to be glad to get my appointment over with on Tuesday.

My little brother texting me asking to come over really irritates me. He’s decided that we can’t be at their house because he’ll either text my Mom letting her know it’s time for us to leave or he would just start flipping out. He’s a really scary, loud person. The slightest thing will set him off. I am too afraid of him acting up like that in front of my kid at my house and I wouldn’t know what to do. It’s unfortunate that he’s been around my parents and pretty much no one else his whole life but I can’t risk him acting crazy in front of my kid.

I have asked my older brother about why he couldn’t maybe have a side hustle because it would give him something to do and put money in his pocket but I didn’t really get an answer. My little brother has no patience and doesn’t know how to read and comprehend like normal people so it probably wouldn’t work. He needs to get into a class or something. It sucks that he’s been a prisoner his whole life but he does have a car now and could do whatever he wants. I just don’t feel that it’s my responsibility to entertain him.

I remember last year having my daughter 25/8 the entire Summer. She finally started school and I was overjoyed. I was so excited to get her to school and start looking for a job. Well, my little brother had stabbed my Dad and went to jail. I got tied in to going to his court date, helping my Mom put him in a motel once he got out and sitting at the jail with my daughter the whole day waiting for him to get released. Then, once he was out they put him with my Mom’s friend because he couldn’t go home. My Dad and him couldn’t be at home at the same time so I’d get my kid to school and then I’d get home to my Dad sitting in the parking lot at my house waiting for me. Like both of them thought they were just going to bomb in on me.

I would get home and have to entertain one of them. I kept saying how I didn’t want anyone at my house and yet, someone will still show up every day. Like they don’t even remember me or my older brother exist until they have some kind of crisis or need something. I remember being so angry that my older brother had just completely stayed out of it and refused to be around at all. I know if something like that happened again, I will literally hide! I’m not interested in their drama and their constant negativity. I found it incredibly selfish where I again had no fucking help at all but then was expected to help them?!?

All I know is when my parents croak or get shipped off to a nursing home, I will be moving. I will make sure that NO ONE knows where we live. I’m not going to be stuck trying to figure shit out for my little brother because my parents failed him. They need to be teaching him how to pay bills and prepare to pay the home taxes because they won’t be around to do it. It’s enough that once they pass, my little brother will get their house and all their stuff so in my opinion, he’s on his own! My older brother doesn’t really care either. WE have both accepted that we won’t get anything and it’s not our job to help him.

I have my own life and all I care about is getting myself back on track and taking care of my kid. I seriously don’t care about anyone else. None of these fucking people have EVER given a fuck about me and have never even tried with my child. I’m on my own every single day and I don’t have the mental capacity to worry about people that don’t worry about us. They created their own problems so they can also figure it out. I also don’t care to be caught up in the negative. I don’t like being thought of just when they have their little bullshit problems and want everyone else to be a sounding board. I’ve offered different suggestions but they aren’t interested, they just want you to sit and listen to how bad things are.

I’m just getting too old for it. I like to be positive and live the best life I can. I’ve had enough negative in my life to last me for quite some time. I want to put all that away and focus on the good things and doing the best I possibly can for my child.

I have since made her a little lunch and she’s looking at old pictures and stuff from preschool. I plan to give her a bath after awhile and start getting settled in. We should do the park but I know she’s gotta be tired because we got up early and she didn’t nap yesterday.

My brother text yesterday asking what we were doing. I was just waiting for him to bring up that one guy and I would have gotten mad. I feel like no on really cares what it really does to my daughter allowing this crazy shit but I refuse to do it again. I remember the other day watching the drama between him and that chick and decided that I definitely won’t go there again. I don’t want anything to do with him and if he sees my child, I plan to make sure he’s not around me and she’s safe. I’ll go along with him seeing her if it means she’s safe and I do what I can to prevent him from talking shit about me.

I used to think he would get tired of being like this but he never will. My daughter is 6 now and it’s still no better. I won’t allow him to disrupt my peace ever again and I don’t even plan to have another conversation with him unless it’s through a parenting app or an email address. I’m going to do what I have to in order protect myself. I seriously think that everyone who tries to influence me to keep going through this ringer needs to get their heads examined. They don’t care because they haven’t felt what I have.

We’ve had a really good day. I just trimmed my daughter’s hair and it looks a lot better. She’s in the bath and we’re going to start settling in for the night. I can’t believe how fast the weekend has gone. I’m just so ready to get tomorrow over with so that my appointment on Tuesday will be my next battle.

I really hope after Tuesday that there won’t be any more appointments that I have to be nervous for. I’m just tired of always having something to feel anxious about.

I just got my thing over with. I’m super glad because it’s boring. I was talking to a case manager and she said that she thought he would have 3 months to pay it before I got kicked off because they have to make sure it would get paid first. She wasn’t sure if TANF would take anything if he did pay. I explain that last year he made 2 payments and they only took one payment out of the lump sum that he had paid.

I’ve eaten a corn dog and now I’m just enjoying some iced coffee. I’m grateful that I’m getting closer to that appointment and will be so relieved once it’s over. I gotta pick up my medications tomorrow too. Ugh, I just can’t wait until it’s tomorrow.

I’m just doing a lot of thinking about everything. I don’t want to do TANF any longer than I have to and clearly getting an actual job isn’t going to happen because my availability is so limited. I also don’t want to worry about getting a job and trying to juggle my daughter and appointments. It just makes more sense to just do like a side hustle and be able to attend appointments and get things done. I feel like having a job would be super stressful right now. I always have other stuff I need to get done and I know that I wouldn’t be able to schedule everything in 1 day and then have to worry about a job getting upset.

I’m also mindful of my health issues and how those would hinder me being able to work somewhere long term. I still struggle standing up in one spot for too long and I wouldn’t be able to do it for several hours a day. I hate not knowing what I can handle and what I can’t. Every day is different. Some day I feel like I can take on anything and other days, I’m in so much pain that I can’t stand it. I just don’t want to start a job, be around a bunch of new people trying to learn new shit and be in misery.

I had interviewed a couple of weeks ago for a valet position. The guy told me that the shifts would be 16 hours long and just when there was events. I threw the application away because I don’t have childcare for 16 hours in one shot nor would I be able to stay awake that long. I completely forgot about this until I got an email a couple minutes ago where he was asking if I was still interested because I hadn’t brought back the application. Well, who is going to want a job that’s not consistent where you would to arrange childcare for that long? I wouldn’t do anything but pay a babysitter. That wouldn’t help us at all!!

It’s annoying how you don’t know jack shit about these jobs until you waste your gas going to interview! There’s so much shit that they leave out, probably on purpose! It’s like the school district, they only pay once a month! How the fuck would you make that work? I never did hear back from them and that’s perfectly fine because that’s not something I would be able to put up with whatsoever!!

I’m just going to plan on doing a side hustle and making that work. We have Thanksgiving to think about where there’s no school for a week and then 2 weeks off for Christmas. I’d rather be able to control my schedule and not have to worry about everything else! There’s just too many jobs here that are completely bullshit. I’ve also decided that I will not interview again unless the employer knows my availability. I’ve wasted enough time and gas on these interviews where there was a spot to include my schedule and then I’m sorry for it later.

It’s just crazy to me where these employers don’t want to think about anyone having children and commitments outside of a job. Even if I had help with my daughter, I’m not going to plan to live at work and visit the house sometimes! I lived that for 7 years and I’m not equipped to live that life again. I still have a lot of guilt for missing so much of my daughter’s life because she spent more time in a daycare than she did with me and I refuse to ever go through that shit again. I also am not a fan of daycares. There’s also plenty of them that have shut down so the rest have everyone on waiting lists.

I just never imagined it be THIS hard to find a job within school hours. My ideal job would be something very part time that is actually doable. I know that most places require you to work nights and weekends but I can’t! I don’t have someone to watch my daughter and I’d never see her. It’s also really hard to find someone that would do it and no one is reliable. I’ve posted ads and people respond where they are super wishy washy to start with so there’s no point in even attempting to have someone babysit because they aren’t going to do it long term.