Because dice kept cooped up Just bring bad luck in A new beginnging.

I have been staring at this page for too long. I feel like I have some explaining to do, but I don’t want to. I feel like if I write it down in here then it is final. Then it is known.

I am tired.

I am a girl who has always been looking for love. It has never been about numbers, about dates, about playing the field, about sex, about young. I have always been looking for love. Real, intoxicating, can’t live without-love. My other half. I realize that this sounds stupid. I realize that I let myself get overly excited about things. I realize that I fall quickly. I realize that I can’t help thinking about things in the future when I should just be focused on today.

I am tired of dating. I say that like I have gone on so many dates. I haven’t. And I think that is part of the reason I am tired of it. It is hard to find guys that I can get that excitement for. Picky? You bet.

I have a date tomorrow. Our schedules finally lined up, and we have been texting now for over a week. He is adorable. He is a teacher. Everything about him is good on paper. The thing is though, is that I always feel like I should be lucky that these guys are going out with me. Like I am the 2nd choice. Like I should be grateful.

This is my fault for feeling like this, but it isn’t my fault that those feelings are implanted in my head. But it IS my fault that I let them in. That I let them cloud my head.

I looked at Josh’s facebook today. I saw his ‘public’ check in at the fair with “my love”

That sentence, for me, is hard to write. I have been sitting here listening to the rain start and stop for the last half hour. I am ashamed of myself for looking, and even more ashamed at how it made me feel. The fact that is was public, and that not much else on his FB is public. We are not friends, hopefully that is a given. I had him blocked for the longest time. Was is public on purpose? No one knows. I can have my suspicions. But I think the biggest point is that I saw it. That whatever the reason behind it was, I let it become something that bothered me.

I don’t want to talk about that anymore.

My gut/feelings/doubts about Kevin were completely spot on, especially when I told him that I saw us more as friends. Douche mode-activated.

Trust your gut.

If it doesn’t go well tomorrow, I think I am going to cool it with the dating.

Anyone have a cat I can adopt?

:)