Saturday. in Since OD is shutting down....

I waited longer to get my kid from school yesterday. I guess she was the last kid there for about 10 minutes. I made dinner and lost track of time. She said she had a much day at school and even got popcorn as a treat. We got home and ate. My little brother had text me asking if he could come over. I was immediately pissed because almost every time we’ve been at their house and stayed a little longer than he wanted, he would come unglued. I remember the one time him screaming and flipping me off with my daughter standing right next to me. I guess I’m super confused on how you stay away from these type of people but then they want to reel you back into the crazy.

I fully understand that my little brother has mental issues but I have my limits. He came over about a year ago where I had to come right out and tell him he had to leave because he doesn’t pick up on hints whatsoever. He has a lot of issues. I also don’t want to worry about him coming over to talk shit about my parents and my kid hearing it. I do everything I can to shield her from negative shit. I understand that I can’t protect her from everything but for now, she’s still little and I don’t want her opinion of anyone being influenced in any way.

My daughter is starting to feel better. Her nose isn’t runny and she isn’t complaining of ear pain. We went and got breakfast this morning and that was fun. The weather is pretty nice.

I have my appointment on Tuesday. It says to allow 4 hours but I’ll let them know that I don’t have 4 hours and I have to pay attention to my phone in case the school calls. I don’t want to have to ask anyone to help with my kid because they probably wouldn’t anyways. I’m really stressed about this appointment but hopefully this will be the last one. Everyone says that it won’t take more than an hour so I’m hoping that’s true. This better by the last fucking thing I have to do. I’m sick of worrying about this shit and the deal where I don’t have anyone to help with my daughter outside of school.

I haven’t talked to my brother since Tuesday night. My daughter has told me that she’s sure they hate us. We can’t make people love us and we can’t make them be nice. I don’t know why it’s so fun to say mean things to me or about my daughter but it’s happened so many times that I’m going to blow up eventually. I already don’t care to have a relationship with my Mom and I’m getting to that point with my brother too. I just want to understand why everyone around is so toxic.

I’m feeling a little better about my situation. I’ve decided that things are going to change within the next 2 weeks. I want to plan bigger and better for my kid. It’s hard with no support but I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. I’ve never really had any support, except for my one friend that lives 22 hours away. Everyone else has basically used me.

We’ve had pizza for lunch and I cleaned up my daughter’s room. There was cat shit under her bed. I become livid over that kind of stuff. I spend most of my time at home cleaning and I’m tired of it. I hardly ever get to just sit down as it is and then there’s always extra messes.

It’s really nice out today. We really should hit the park but I’m exhausted today. I run around all week and want to just hang out at home. I know my daughter’s tired because she hasn’t said anything about going somewhere. She did say she wished she had someone to play with. I feel really bad that I don’t have more kids for her to play with but we need to have a break from my brother and his kid. They are just so toxic and I’m honestly scared I’m going to say something so I’d rather not be around them for awhile.

It’s awful that we don’t have anyone to hang around with and then if we do, they’re toxic. It’s a fucked up equation. I wish it was different. It shouldn’t be like this but as of right now, there’s nothing I can do. I honestly suck at trying to spark up conversations with people I don’t know and I never get the chance anyways. I wish it was easier to try and create relationships with people. I don’t have much self esteem and always think I’m coming off weird. I’ve tried to talk to people I don’t know and you can tell by the look on their face, they aren’t interested.