Every Day is Exactly the Same in Life

Not to tap into my inner edge lord here but there’s a Nine Inch Nails song that recently re-appeared on my mixes on Spotify by the same name as the title of this entry and it’s really tapping into how I feel lately.

I think what’s truely bothering me about being a Stay-At-Home dad is the mundanity of it all. And it’s not that life isn’t generally mundane working a 9-5 but there’s an element of chance that things will be different day-by-day. Where is as a stay at home dad it’s all about maintaining a rigid schedule and keeping everything pretty identical, with the exceptions of random trips out. But y’know, wake up at 5 (Shoot me), he naps around 11 or noon till around 1 or 2 then we’re off to get The Girl from school and then dinner, then bedtime routines. It feels like the idea of living is more of a facade than an actual existence these days. And I suppose after 40 years of living, that’s a very real risk on the horizon.

When the topic first came around of me quitting work to stay at home with the kid (as my wife is the money earner and I’m the money burner) I was like “yea, not working sounds great, but also, We know that I don’t do well as a stay at home dad” I really don’t like it, it’s not something I’m well suited for, I don’t have the skill set to be a stay at home dad to a 15 month old, and dear fucking lord our livingroom/kitchen/dining room (fuck Open Concept living) is not suited for 11hours 7 days a week toddler rearing. And I’m not sure if I… self fulfilled my own prophecy by originally saying “I don’t like/I’m not good at this” or if it’s just the reality of the situation.

Like, hindsight is 20/20 but if I knew the daycare situation would be this bad or that we would be this late in applying for daycares (Wife took care of it so I’m not sure when she did it but I’ve heard of people doing it before their child is even born and still being on the wait list after the child is born) I would have set up the house very differently, I would have invested some coin in padding the basement and really setting it up, but (as I told Wife tonight) This ‘combo living’ shit isn’t working. We cannot have an entertainment centre for adults mixed in with an entertainment room meant for toddlers, at least not ones that are there all day. It’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to the parents.

Never-the-less, this is the situation I find myself in. Waiting on waiting on waiting. It’s the worst and it’s totally messing up my ability to focus on the good parts with The Boy.

Even trying to go full focus on problem solving is just leaving me staring at the walls like “Is there a way out? Or is he home until he starts school?” (Excuse me while I vomit at the idea) ugh, everything feels hopeless. Hopefully writing more will help me walk myself through these problems.