Enough in Alphabet Superset

I am very far behind on this quest. In fact, I have missed four full weeks of essays - if one discounts (as one should) the pithy entry posted last. There are myriad reasons for that, of course, but none of them particularly matter, at least not for these purposes. The point is I am resolved to “catch up” and tackle essays E, F, G, and H this week.

I’m in a period of deep reflection right now, so this is a good time to be meditating on these questions. I’ve taken this week off work and I’ve consulted ChatGPT (no, really) to get ideas of how to frame this week for maximal rest, recovery, and nurture. ChatGPT was extremely helpful (yes, really) and suggested I take the first day to rest and relax, the second to nourish myself in nature, and the third day - this day - to pursue mindful meditation*. Consequently I’ve turned clocks to face the wall and stuck post-it notes over electronic time keepers. I’ve put my cell phone on “sleep” and told it to suppress the time on the Lock Screen. I’ve let the Husband know I’m going to be silent all day, and thanked him for indulging me. And so far, so it has been. I’ve said “hello” to a dog (forgetting), and “Jesus” to myself (startled). But other than that, I’ve said nothing and listened to no podcast, audiobook, not even music. I don’t know what time it is, other than when I bloused for lunch the app did tell me it was 1 something pm. Other than that I am both silent and timeless. But I’ve read, got quite lost in the river valley, thought deeply and also not thought. And now I’m here ready to contemplate E.

E was originally to be “Enlightenment”, but on reflection I think “Enough” is a better word from which to jump into musing. “Enough” because the very lack of my sticking-to-it-ness goes straight to the heart of what being Enough is for me. As in, I signed myself up for this challenge/assignment/commitment and managed a good four weeks of effort and then, as so often is the case, it fizzled out. I got lost in my thoughts, my newsfeeds, my work, my stress, and whatever extreme fatigue is was that I have been suffering from this past month. I had bandwidth for nothing, and so things dropped off. And, as much as I berated myself, I also didn’t do anything about it. I did not write here, but also I did not do a lot of other things. And so I failed at being Enough. At least, I did in my telling of it.

It’s an interesting word - “Enough”. It means “sufficient to requirement” or “fulfilling need” or something similar (I didn’t look it up). And I suppose the key to those statements is defining was is requirement, what is need? If one can know that, then one can make an intelligent determination of wether one - or another, or anything - is sufficient. But what is requirement? That’s where the idea becomes philosophical, as most all of this does. Who gets to determine that?

I would argue that it’s oneself. Myself, in the case of me. I get to say what is enough. But the challenge for me is, and has always been, figuring that out. What is enough for me? What should I do, or be, or achieve, in order that I can say I’ve satisfied my own requirements or met my own needs? That might be point of deep inquiry, or it could be. The opposite of Socrates’ “the unexamined life is not worth living”. One must examine ones life to see what requirements one might have, consciously or subconsciously. And it’s probably a life’s work, isn’t it? For those of us who choose to undertake examination, that is. And I do think it’s a great privilege to be in a position of being able to make such an inquiry. If I lacked food or shelter or the basics of human need, I’d probably be much preoccupied with that - with basic survival. But since I’ve never been involuntarily hungry or shelterless, and because I have this whole life with which to indulge myself in the deep inquiry, I’m lucky I get to do so.

Although sometimes it does not feel so lucky. I’m sure there’s another way of blithely rolling through one’s existence focused on the most important thing at the time: workplace drama, whatever the latest Kardashian is doing, making more money, getting just one decent night sleep out of a nine month old….no shade cast this way if that’s the thing for you, truly. Although I’ve not had the experience of child-based sleepless nights, and have never cared about Kardashians; I’ve definitely gone down rabbit holes of preoccupation with celebrities, politics, tv shows, and a whole freaking lot of workplace drama. So it’s not as though your writer can hold herself aloft and say she has only spent her idle time contemplating existence….but I have, also, contemplated existence and the basis of that, I think, is this concept of Enough.

I want to matter. I want to have mattered. I don’t want to waste my time here on this earth, in this life. But I’m still - at the grand old age of forty six - struggling with what I actually mean by that, and also by how much do I truly mean it. Like, does it truly come from “me” or is it something that I’ve had impressed upon me by family, or society, or who knows where/what/who?

Then again, there are two quotes that I read very early into my adulthood that have adhered themselves to the inside of my psyche and that I have ruminated on for so long that, by now, they’re just part of what I think I am.

The first was something an old university dorm mate had stuck to her pin board and I told her I liked it, so she gave it to me. I would have been 19 at the time. It’s from Thoreau’s “Walden”:

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.

The second I cannot remember how I came across, other than I know I posted it to a very rudimentary blog I created for myself in 1999, aged 22. There were a bunch of quotes on that page - the Walden one; but also ones from actors and novels and I don’t remember where I gathered most of them. The sticky one though was from Shaw’s “Man and Superman”

This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

Neither of these truly answer the question “to me, what is being Enough?” But, that I picked them both up so young, and but, that I’ve carried them with me for the better part of twenty five years, I think they do point to what I’m searching for: to Live Deliberately. To have a Purpose recognized by myself as a Mighty One. To Suck All the Marrow out of Life.

And there are ways, so many ways, that might be manifest. There’s stuff that is the obvious Go-To (charitable good works, crusading for a cause, curing disease, reversing climate change) but I’d be lying if I said and one of those gave me true shivers of excitement. Maybe because they’re still too vague? But maybe because they’re not “It”. And while, for many folk, their children might be their great purpose - or their family, or their loved ones - it’s not that for me. I mean, to begin, I don’t have children and I don’t feel that as an enormous loss. But also, I have love and great friendship and a good family and that has not satisfied the yearning. So, I just feel there must be more.

Interestingly enough, the reflections of this last year have brought that into slightly sharper focus. I mean, it’s still hazy as all get out, but it’s as though I can see the outline of it now. I feel that things have been clarified a bit. Perhaps because we are married now, and settled into a sweet rhythm. And I have a job that, in its own way, is the Enough - at least insofar as this is as far as I want to go in this field. So now I find my attention turning to what might be next. And although “next” (at least the Big “next”) is quite a way away - five to ten years at least - it’s so hazy and vague that contemplation is the best I can do for now. Then again, time does move faster as one gets older (look, now it’s November!) and five to ten years may approach much faster than I’m ready for. So I am deliberately putting it out there - into the great, blessed, wild, glorious universe - I am looking for “next” and that, in looking for “next”, I’m also looking for “Enough”.

• In case you’re curious: tomorrow is “creative expression”, Friday is “indulgence”, Saturday “Connection”, and Sunday “Reflect and Plan”.