Not a Good Night in The Past

Today started out to be a pretty good day… work wasn’t as draggy as I thought it would be (as in, dragging on, not draggy as in drag-queeny, although that would have made the day fun too) and I was actually surprised when it was quittin’ time. Mom picked me up like normal and we drove to Taco Bell to get a Baja Blast freeze. While we were there, and on the way home, Mom and I talked about our Minecraft server, and about the things I wanted to do when I got home (Mom tends to die a lot, so a lot of what I needed to do involved repairing/making tools for her and getting everything organized.) We were literally in the middle of the conversation when I opened up the door and saw Court at my computer. My comment was, “Oh, tonight’s raid night?” Then I looked at Mom and said, “Damn, and I have so much to do.”

Court replied that it was raid night, and I went inside, set down my bag, looked around and asked him, “Healing or DPSing?” Next thing I know he’s throwing the headset down, getting out of the chair, and stomping into the kitchen screaming “Take the God Damned computer! I know it’s what you want!! Tell them that I can’t play because you have so much to do!” He repeated this a couple of times, changing up the wording a little, but the idea was the same. I Told him that it was his damned choice to get up and stomp around, and if he wasn’t going to raid, he was going to have to tell the group, because I’m not making him leave. Then he goes off about how it’s not his choice and blah blah blah.

I’m nearly in tears by this point… the world’s getting all wibbly-wobbly and I feel that need… that itch that tells me that if I tried reaaal hard, I could get up the stairs, go to my stash, and get some really nice cuts in before I could really think about it. Hell, if I did it right, I could probably slit my wrists before Mom realized what happened. (That’s Cide’s idea… she’s the part of me that wants to die. Not just hurt, but honest-to-goodness die. I try not to listen to her much.) Mom must have seen the look in my face because she told me “Don’t” And then started talking to me about the logistics of Minecraft and how she could do some of the silly things I wanted to do. We were talking about how we wanted to set up the store room or something stupid like that and Court, realizing we were ignoring him, stomped upstairs and then stomped back down to say something akin to, “Why aren’t you on the computer? Aren’t you happy I’m off of it, stupid bitch.” The only thing I know he said was the “Bitch” part… the rest just kind of went into a blob of shit that he says and how he says it. The part that gets me now is that he went all the way upstairs and then CAME BACK DOWN to start screaming obscenities at me.

Mom actually surprises me here… I’m holding onto my core self as hard as I can to keep from breaking down, and she looked up at him and said “That was totally uncalled for, Court.” Which sets him off again… apparently I’m a stupid bitch because I didn’t remember that tonight was his raid night, when he’s been “raiding on Wednesday for how long?!” Mom mentioned that she hardly remembers when his raid night is either, so it’s not just me, and I pointed out that his relationship with the various guilds that he’s a part of has been shit lately, so I don’t know when the hell he’s raiding or not. When that point got countered, he went on to scream and yell that I KNEW he had a headset on and that other people were talking to him, and I’m just a stupid bitch for talking when I shouldn’t be.

I pointed out that he had answered me, not 5 seconds before (just long enough for me to put my bag down) and I had assumed that it was the same fucking conversation. A conversation being I say something, you say something, I say something. Then he goes back upstairs and comes back downstairs and starts yelling some more, just being a general fucktard. So he opens his mouth, and I tell him, “Go upstairs, please.” He would try to say something else, and I yell at him, “Go Upstairs, Please” And this happened about four times before he says, “I’m not going to fucking go upstairs, I’m going to stay RIGHT HERE.” And he fucking sits on the stairs, far enough up that he’s mostly out of sight, but far enough down that he can watch me.

Mom tells me to just ignore him and pulls my attention back to Minecraft. Not that I particularly wanted to do anything on Minecraft at this point, but shek new if she could get me thinking and talking on something else, I could generally beat that feeling of wanting to hurt myself that I get. Maili was playing Minecraft and I got permission from her to stay at her place tonight, mainly because I was afraid of being left alone with Court. I still don’t think he’d physically hurt me, but I think if I had to stay with him in the house, I’d end up hurting myself really badly. Well, anyways, we were goofing off on Minecraft and Court would say something hurtful… I’d do my best to ignore it so he’d say something even worse. After about ten minutes he started hitting… well… something. I don’t know if it was the wall or the steps or what, but there’d be a “THUD” Finally I broke, I don’t know what he said, but he said something and I yelled at him, something to the effect of “Leave me the fuck alone!”

Then (at least I think it was after I yelled, although it might be the thing he said right before he yelled) he started yelling about how I’m perfect and nothing’s my fault and how everything’s his fault and he’s just an asshole and should die and blah blah blah. I told him to fuck off and leave me alone. Seeing that he finally got a reaction out of me, he stomped back upstairs and slammed the door. About this time, Mom and I got our stuff together… she dropped me off at Maili’s before heading to work.

So, here I am. I’m kind of afraid to go back home tomorrow. If I show any reaction to his acts today… like ignoring him or being catty or anything, even if it’s as catty and small as a snarky comment, he’d end up going off again. I don’t want that, I don’t want to have to deal with his stupid shit. Specially since I have a vacation coming up beginning tomorrow at 2pm. On the other hand, I don’t want to have to pretend it didn’t happen. That’s what we did when Dad started going crazy… and part of what drove me crazy. Dad would get drunk, pull a stupid like Court did tonight, and then finally, thankfully, pass out. The next morning, everyone in the family acted as though it never happened… didn’t matter if I was bruised or bleeding afterwards, the next day, it never happened. I thought I was the only one who could remember it, that I was a member of the Twilight Zone or something.. it nearly broke me.

I won’t let this break me.

I won’t let HIM break me.

Last updated December 25, 2016