Sunday. in Since OD is shutting down....

So daughter went with her big sister to that Trunk or Treat but didn’t get much candy so when she got back, I took her to another one. It was outdoors but she got 2 buckets full of candy! They gave that shit out by the handful! We were only there about an hour so that was nice. My brother wanted us to meet up with him at an arcade but I didn’t have money for that and I also know how those type of things go. He likes to invite us to stuff where we meet them there, get ignored the whole time and then come home pissed off. We were very happy with the trunk or treat. We came home, ate some candy, and then went to bed.

This morning it’s cold as hell again but we braved it and went out for breakfast. We are in where it’s warm and I don’t plan to do much today because I have a busy week ahead. I have that other interview Tuesday morning after I get her to school. Definitely not thrilled to have to be at my thing tomorrow but I’m really hoping that I’m going to get a little job and be able to move on to another phase of my life.

I’m not sure if I’ll do laundry tomorrow or not. My daughter has plenty of clothes to wear for school the next couple of days but I haven’t decided yet. I like to just get stuff done and stay ahead so I might decide to just do it and not have to worry about it later in the week.

We have so much candy that we wouldn’t need to go trick or treating on Tuesday but my daughter is excited to go and wear her costume. I’m sure her ‘Dad’ will be bugging my brother because he always wants to be involved in the fun stuff but never the responsibility. I told my brother that until he’s going to actually be a help in raising her that it’s not really okay to just be around when it suits him. I just don’t understand how someone can not care about their child 99% of the time but feel entitled to see them only on their terms. I don’t know how you could view yourself as a person, much less a parent.

There was a girl on Tik Tok yesterday bitching about her BD and everyone just attacked her. I think a lot of the time, Mom’s focus too much on someone else being the problem that we don’t always realize that we are part of it. If you are willingly choosing to leave your offspring with someone who isn’t capable of caring for them, YOU ARE THE FUCKING PROBLEM!!! If you know that that Dad is careless, selfish, and negligent, why the fuck would you keep leaving your children in their care? I don’t give a fuck if he’s the ‘Dad’ or not. Unless there is a court order, you need to make other arrangements for your kids.

I understand that a lot of the time, these deadbeats are to blame. Look at my situation. I have been through enough with mine that I don’t trust him alone with our child because I feel that he’s left her by herself and I’m terrified it could happen again. I’ll never know if he did or not but I know his Mom did and I don’t trust her either. I think until there’s someone who I’m able to be in contact with that’s keeping an eye on things, he’s never taking her again unless it’s ordered the courts. I remember before he moved 3 hours away with that girl, asking him to take her for the weekend and as soon as I mentioned if she wakes up and you aren’t there she’s going to freak and then all of a sudden he tells me he has to work.

There’s just too many games he plays and I don’t like feeling that I have to constantly be 1 step ahead of him at all times to keep my daughter safe. I understand that as women we want to give the man every possible chance to be in their children’s lives but at some point you have to realize that parenting is a privilege. They aren’t entitled to it just because of their title. I also understand different arguments to everything as well but we know what’s right for our kids and what isn’t.

I think a lot of the time these men have serious mental health issues that should be addressed before they have children. I get that we don’t always realize how deep their issues are until we have kids with them but everything comes out in the wash. I honestly would love a break sometimes on weekends but not enough that I’m going to let my child go with someone who can’t or won’t take care of her properly and I have to be a nervous wreck the whole time until she comes back. That’s not a break.

My daughter is my whole world and it’s my job to keep her safe. It sucks that I have to keep her from people that should just be safe for her but they aren’t. I’ve learned to just let things be. No amount of begging, pleading, arguing, or lecturing is going to change him and I refuse to have another conversation with him unless it’s through email or a parenting app. My mental health is more important than dealing with a demon. There’s no reaching him because he’s on a whole level of crazy that’s too much for me.

There’s been plenty of times that I’ve sent my brother screenshots of our conversations and he still thinks that this person should just get endless chances. I disagree. He needs to go away and stay away. Sometimes I think that my brother just wants him to be involved because life gets boring so we need to add the spice. I’m perfectly fine having no contact with that game playing, clout chasing prick. I’m all about protecting my peace and not being the definition of insanity. The guy is a worthless, deadbeat piece of garbage that we need to stay away from. I’ve told my brother multiple times to stop entertaining his bullshit.

I cleaned my daughter’s bedroom yesterday. That is such a chore. I got rid of another garbage bag full of stuff, organized everything, and hung up more clothes. She doesn’t even play in her room that much for it to be such a mess but I do what I can to keep up on it. It’s clean and nice to be in for her and that’s what matters to me.

The sun has finally came out but it’s super cold. I’ve been running around cleaning and I gotta figure out dinner. My daughter is watching tv and eating snacks. I don’t think either of us are thrilled that tomorrow is Monday. I have a bunch of shit to do this week but hopefully everything will go smoothly. I’m not a big fan of this cold weather. It just makes me want to stay home in my pajamas and drink coffee. I feel so less motivated when it’s cold. It makes my back hurt so much more with the arthritis.

I’m really nervous about the whole job thing. I worry that I won’t be able to be on my feet for long periods of time. I did fine last night and the night before but that was only for an hour and a half at a time. It’s still better than it’s been but I’m just hoping to find a little job and test out being on my feet. I’d rather do 3 hours to start and then plan to work more once I’m sure I can do it. I’m just so hell bent to get off TANF and I’m scared that I’ll get a job, and end up right back in that room. I just want to figure out my life and I’ve seen plenty of women in that room that don’t ever plan to get a job when they don’t have any physical reasons to worry about.

I don’t want that program to be a crutch for me. I really hope a job is going to pan out. I just want to be able to get out of the house, be around other adults where I can be social and make my own money. I have a lot of worries but I won’t know how things are going to pan out until I try. I did the back ground check for the one job and it said it can take up to 5 days to get the results so it’s kinda on hold for now so I’m gonna go to the other job interview on Tuesday. I’m just hoping that I can get a job and get the hell out of there.

The caseworker I talked to the other day was helpful by saying that at least being in that program I get supportive services and see their smiling faces everyday. She said that if he pays it for 2 months, I’ll get kicked off the program because the CS would be more than my grant. I feel pressured to find a job because of this. I would like to work because sitting in there is super boring and if I have to do something, I’d rather be where I can talk more and be productive. I’m already not looking forward to going tomorrow because it’s so early in the morning and Tuesday I have my interview and hope to arrange so I don’t have to be there until later.

Being a single Mom with no one to rely on is really hard. I get stuck doing a lot of things that I wouldn’t have to do if I had the support I need. I just hope that something good comes from all this. I sometimes get pretty down about my situation but do what I can to keep going. I definitely feel for the all Mom’s that are right where I am because it takes a huge hit to your self esteem and your choices. I’m just thankful that I only have 1 kid to worry about because if I had more, I don’t even know what I would do.

There’s some women in my program that have to take the bus. I couldn’t imagine getting my kid where she needs to be and then taking the bus to go be in there all day long. It sucks to have the back problems that I have but I’m grateful that I only have to be there a couple hours a day and I have a car so I’m not taking the bus. To me, that would be even more motivation to get a job because with what you get for TANF, it’s not nearly enough to help you with your expenses and help you buy a car. There’s no way I could find myself where some of these women are and the fact that they’ve been on TANF for a long time is really sad. I feel like a lot of them aren’t doing shit to get jobs and make a better path for their kids. Some of them just keep having babies because then it resets their clock and they can be in there longer.

I haven’t showered since like Thursday but because it’s so cold, I don’t want my hair wet. I turned on the oven and opened the door because having the heat on isn’t enough. I plan to shower later so I don’t have to right away in the morning.

I have a lot of anxiety about Halloween. I do worry about him just randomly showing up. I really hope that doesn’t happen. I’m done buying tickets to that circus. I honestly resent my brother for acting like I’m the bad guy in this because I want the guy to have accountability and actually be a parent to his own child. My brother acts like I’m the problem. I shouldn’t ever expect CS and if I do, I should feel bad about it. He also threw a fit when the amount doubled, even though I haven’t seen a penny since it increased. He acts like I should just forget about the guy but then will tell me when he’s heard from him.

He’s been asking to see her. I check that filthy website where he apparently had an ‘amazing’ night with a couple. I feel like he just cares to see her out of loneliness and boredom. She’s just something to fall back on. He’s never cared to be a constant in her life because he doesn’t want to worry about ANYTHING getting in the way of him living his life but wants to come around and be disruptive where he gets to walk away and leave me to clean up the mess. I don’t understand how evil you would have to be to keep wanting to do this to your child. It’s like he wants to see just how many times he’s going to get to walk out on her.

It’s like before he moved to be using that girl, he didn’t give a damn about seeing her at all until he hooked up with someone who had money and a car who would go along with his ‘need’ to see her. Now that he’s back, he just thinks that he should get endless chances to hurt her. It’s selfish and evil. My daughter is doing just fine without him. She’s in a really good head space and I’m going to get a job where I don’t have to worry about the setback that he creates every time he sees her. I’m tired of watching the hurt that she goes through with his selfishness. He isn’t worried about being her Dad, he’s worried about how it makes him feel or how it makes other people view him.

I think about how he cared to see her when he first got with that girl. He wanted to make that bitch believe that he cared about someone other than himself. He wasn’t worried about getting to know our child, her ins and outs, her love language. All he wanted to do was look a certain way for that bitch and leave my child confused because she would come home and not know when she would see or hear from him next.