Thoughts of 10/28 in My descent

Ok, this is going to be a long one. Maybe boring but I had to get it out.

Reflecting on my past relationships. A lot of it is eww. Like bad bad relationships. First boyfriend, I was only 14 (I think), not really great. I wanted quality time and it just wasn’t. A few years later I dated my best friend. That would have been a great relationship had someone not gotten in his ear because she wanted to be with him. Best friends aren’t supposed to date. Bah! Then came my oldest daughter’s dad. He was a cheater. Enough said. After him was actually a good one. We just weren’t meant to be forever. Then came THE ONE. But we weren’t meant to be forever either. If that guy gave me a chance now I would take it. I don’t know what it is about him that I liked but I did. Then I had the young one. He was an ass. Probably the start of the low quality boyfriends. No job. I had to go to him always. But when things were good with us I was happy. Then I had the one who bored me to death. Then I met the one who showed up later. At the time he was just sex. We’ll touch on him again real soon. Through him I met his cousin which I dated for 6-8 months but we barely saw or talked to each other. He introduced me to fishing more and cemented my dislike of weed. After him I got with the one I married. We had been good friends for a long time. I didn’t want to loose that best friend. He was a broken, hurt man. It was a bad marriage. A lot of silent treatments. Passive aggressive actions. Then came the year of hell. The forementioned one just for sex. He was terrible to me and my kids. Lost his job shortly after we reconnected. A month or two later he was moving in. Refusing to get a job. Claiming yard work was how he paid me for the high power bill oh and the fact he had no job so his weed habit became my responsibility. Along with trying to help him not loose everything he had. In turn he’s threatened to take everything I have. Eventually he moved out. I was single and not interested in anything for almost a year and I let him back. He seemed like he had changed. He was going to church and was getting into hunting and fishing. I saw a good change in him. I was hopeful. But not much into it he changed. Stopped working again. Accused me of trying to sleep with any male I ever mentioned.

As much as he was terrible for me I can thank him for a lot. More than he will ever know. Financially he tanked me. He caused issues in my family. But when we first met again I was over my marriage. I got my divorce because I wanted to be with him. I knew I needed the divorce but I just didn’t want to file for it myself. But I did. I was at a job that I grew to hate with everything I had. I called in a lot. Used all my available time off. Usually for things with him. I left that job exactly a year after starting it. I wasn’t happy there. I proceeded to do little piddly ass jobs and got unemployment. I wasn’t making enough at those jobs so I had to find a real job. That was what led me to where I work now. It hasn’t always been great where I am now but I’m not completely miserable and I can pay my bills. I started this job after he had left. Saw my bank account recover from time with him immediately, credit score not so much but whatever. I also decided to go back to school. I never wanted to go to school before but that changed. I decided I wanted to find a job I could do from home so I could work on my dog breeding also. Enter medical billing and coding. This has breathed new life into me. Stressing me out but bringing me joy. I got back with him and he wasn’t happy. I didn’t have the time to spend it all with him and do school I never allowed him to move back in. He hated that also. I got tired of it all and drifted away from him. The last straw was the welfare check.

While at my job I denied any thought of anyone there. No one was available for various reasons. But I realized I was attracted to one. Maybe just because of him being an authority figure. I never acted on it. One day a conversation was had where he said he hoped I thought of him as a friend not just a boss. Then we had more conversations. Usually not about work. I guess they have all evolved. Now I truly have feelings for that guy. I don’t know where I fit into his life though. But if it wasn’t for the asshole I would have never met this guy. So thank you ass for doing what all you have done for me. You are not welcome in my life anymore though.

That was where this was all going. I appreciate what he did for me even though he didn’t make life easy. I hope the best for him but I choose to not be in his life anymore.

Last updated November 09, 2023