Jitters and Cake in Life Is A Circle, Or A Torus

Maybe it’s psychological overload but I’m feeling a bit of a hedonistic streak this weekend so far. Spending the week being more sad, concerned about events, taking care of chores – in a word, adulting – has left me just craving things a bit more fun and naughty.

So now my mind is stuck going through various cravings, for candy, cakes, just generally diet-annihilating foods, which I think is helping to mask some level of being plain-old horny.

I fumbled around with some dating apps to see what they’re like. Played around with making profiles and realizing I didn’t have a whole lot of good photos of myself. Rainy day so not the greatest for taking a photo outside with the trees, which would be my preference, but tried a few. It felt kinda silly. I’m not used to being in photos, usually I’m the one taking the photos. It’s sort of like hearing my voice. Whenever I record my voice and hear it, it really surprises me. I look like that? I sound like that to other people? Huh.

For what it’s worth though, I do feel kind of oddly cute. I’m not sure if I ever really did in the past honestly. Just felt kinda like average guy. Guess I still am, really, but less self-judgment and comparison to others.

Still, posting online to strangers is somewhat intimidating, so I’ve been hesitating back and forth on flipping the switch and making the profiles public. Especially when I’m not entirely sure what I am even looking for; just that general feeling of needing a few casual friends and maybe a bit of casual sex on days like this. But I suppose I’m not the only one to feel that way and there’s nothing wrong with that, I’m just not used to it. I can’t look at other profiles either until I make it public, so it’s a bit agonizing wondering if it’ll even work. Ugh, I’m just a bit flirty and horny, I don’t know that I have that much energy today. Today is one of those days where I wish I already had the friend-with-benefits I could just send a stereotypical “u up?” text and flirt a little. Someone I knew enough that we already trusted each other and it wasn’t weird or awkward or accidentally crossing boundaries.

Then again, with my emotional state this past week, perhaps it’s best to not be unloading my emotions and frustration while I’m so emotionally tapped out myself. Seems a bit unfair and asymmetric if I have low emotional energy.

Then again, again, I am probably overthinking this. Whenever I think I’m learning my lessons about overthinking (as in, don’t do it), I get pulled back in.

Just jitters I suppose. When was the last time I really really dated in any capacity? When was the last time I sent some racy texts or even just some flirting with heavy insinuation? Hard to imagine how much time has gone by, partner and I have been together for over a decade. So, it’s been about that long. We never technically were monogamous (we did talk about it!), but neither of us really had anyone else at the time and we’ve been absolutely terribly at meeting anyone ever since then. Part of it was that we weren’t even really trying anymore, because work and other adulting responsibilities kept taking precedence. Or at least felt like they should take precedence. I don’t think most of it really was and I sort of regret how much time I spent on things other than family and friends. Partner and I should have spent more time together, and we should have also spent more time meeting other people. Partner is bisexual and to be honest I’m a little surprised we ended up together for so long because I’m one of the few men she’s ever really dated. Definitely a strong preference for women, so a bit amusing we ended up as friends with benefits in the first place. Honestly if I went on any dates with other bisexual women and we didn’t really click, I’d introduce them to my partner and hope maybe she gets laid if not me (and of course I’d want my date to get laid too! i hope everyone gets laid and has fun!). I think another stereotype is couples looking for a unicorn, so to be clear, I really honestly mean my partner getting laid separately without me involved at all, I would be happy for her – but also, if there was a cute unicorn up for it, I wouldn’t say no and I know partner wouldn’t either. It’s not been something we’ve ever done though.

Interested but a little intimidated getting back into a more dating mindset after so long.

For the moment though, I’ve been thinking of cake for a few days so I think I’m going to go try it. Baking experiment. And maybe once cake has boosted my mood and confidence a bit, I’ll hit “Public” on that profile.

Last updated October 21, 2023