suggestions in 2023

Having a bit of a struggle. I’m exactly 3 weeks post-bilateral knee replacement today. Crazy, right? I finally got them replaced. At the same time!

In some ways it’s been worse than expected and in some ways it’s been better.

I know I always come in here and say that I’m the world’s worst procrastinator and can’t seem to make the time to write, but I realized today that I just don’t want to write. I’m forcing myself to sit here right now after trying my best to find anything else to distract me. I need this but I can’t stick to it.

I don’t know why. My heart wants to write it all out, but my head really doesn’t.

There’s something wrong inside somewhere. I can feel it and I don’t know how to fix it. It makes me frustrated, and stressed, because I can’t get rid of this feeling inside. Which of course continues to put me in this vicious cycle of stress/worse health symptoms/more stress. Cycled over and over again.

I just want to be happy. I want to enjoy my engagement! I want to enjoy the process of buying and moving into our very own brand new house! I just want so many things. And I can’t seem to figure out how to do any of this.

I cannot stop the stress and I can’t figure out what to do about it.

Imagine, wasting all of these beautiful life moments because I’m all f*cked up.

Too bad the magical answer couldn’t just drop from the sky and make it all better. A suggestion that would change my world.

I am trying to look into things, like traumatic stress as a child, that seems so familiar

Also, the double knee replacement is actually going quite well, though I do worry about not getting to where I need to be in my range of motion.
EC and I are doing great! He’s super busy right now and I miss him, but when I felt depressed this morning, his phone call pulled me right out of the dark. That’s how I know he’s THE ONE.
Our house is almost done!!

I want to come back to expand on things, but yeah. We’ll see.

rose.
4:31pm