Saturday. in Since OD is shutting down....

We slept in this morning and it was glorious. We generally still get up early on weekends because we’re used to it but this morning we were still sleeping at 8am!!

I made breakfast and got woke up. I decided we were going to run and get some stuff at Sam’s Club because there was some stuff I wanted. My daughter got a big bag of chips and some slippers. I got the shampoo I’ve been wanting and some other stuff. I’m going to try really hard to cut back on soda so I got a big pack of Propel water. I want to get back to not drinking soda whatsoever.

So my Mom calls last night. I haven’t talked to her on the phone in a hot minute and she started in with the same shit. She asked if I had talked to him and I said, “nope and I’m not going to talk about him either” and then I told her I had to go pee so I had to hang up. It’s like she just calls to be super nosey!! It’s like dude, I don’t have regular contact with you and I don’t feel comfortable telling you anything personal anymore!!

Oh and then yesterday he had made a post that he needed a ride back. He of course uses his fake profile so people don’t know it’s him. Probably because some girl gave him a ride somewhere a few years back and he never paid her. Plenty of people found it incredibly suspicious and then the post was gone. I noticed later last night that him and the girlfriend are friends again. It’s funny that he offered food and gas for a ride but doesn’t think to pay any CS. Typical.

I’m not sure what we’re going to do all day. There’s nothing going on around town and we don’t have anyone to hang out with so we’ll probably just watch tv and eat stuff. I want chili for lunch and she wants pizza. I wish we had more people to hang out with.

It’s sunny but not super warm. I still need to get creamer and caramel syrup but I’ll do that another day. I’m still waiting to see if I’m going to get that stipend because that would be a big help.

They might help me with tires. I have one that’s pretty bald and all of them lose air when it’s cold so I always have to worry about a flat tire in the morning. It’s really stressful but I hope that my tires won’t lose air once it gets cold and stays cold. Ugh, there’s just always something to worry about.

I had my consultation the other day. I was told to cut back on coffee, soda, and we’ll worry about me quitting smoking later. She said that I need to start dealing with the mental load I carry everyday before I’m going to be able to lose weight. I smoke and have plenty of caffeine because it keeps me from being super angry or becoming confrontational. I honestly think I would be okay once I’m used to cutting these things out but for right now, it sounds really scary. I have developed really unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with my problems and the shitty people in my life but I’m also hurting myself.

There’s a lot of times I feel really down and don’t know how to come out of it. Some days I’m ready to take on the world and other days I’m ready to watch it burn. I’m just so frustrated with not having anyone constant in our lives. Having these back issues isn’t about the pain but the mental strain as well. I wish it was easier to find a very part time job just in the mornings because I don’t think I could handle something full time. Plus it’s the stress of knowing there’s no one to help with my kid if I needed it so I would rather only have to worry like 4 days a week. And find a super understanding boss.

Being a single Mom is really hard. I just don’t feel that anyone around me has the compassion that they should have. I’ve always just been expected to figure it all out on my own and after several years of having no support, it’s really gotten to me.

It’s like everyone thinks I should just accept everything. Overall, I do because I have to but that doesn’t mean it’s okay. My brother acts like I shouldn’t ever expect CS and if I do get it, I should feel bad. Okay but does BD feel bad when he doesn’t pay for years at a time? Who does he think is taking care of her? Doesn’t he ever worry that I may not have enough money for everything or if I go without to make sure her needs are met?

Oh, and I’ve gotten a lot of really negative comments and I will start blocking people. I have more than enough negative in my life and I will not accept more. It’s totally fine to have your own opinion of a life you never lived but you can keep it for yourself. I won’t take blatant abuse from anyone ever again. I’m allowed to feel how I choose!

But yeah, I just want to understand where my Mom thinks it’s okay to have super limited contact with my daughter and myself but have the audacity to ask about personal things. I’ve told her multiple times that I’m not going to talk about him especially with my daughter sitting right there!! Again, I don’t want ANYONE saying anything negative about anyone around her. I want my daughter to grow up forming her own opinions and having her own mind. It’s also not her business, problem, or concern how WE feel about certain people. I want her to have her own thoughts and not be influenced.

I grew up with my parents ALWAYS bad mouthing everyone and I remember getting older and wanting to see things for myself, to see if people were as bad as they made them out to be. Most of the time, people were the ones getting screwed over by them but they never mentioned what they did wrong. I want my kid to grow up experiencing everything for herself and not having negative energy surrounding her. Bad mouthing people can definitely come back to bite you in the ass and I refuse to let that happen to me.

I want to keep her from the negative as much as I can because it’s not her load to carry. Life is hard enough and I don’t think it’s appropriate to inflict more. I remember about 3 years ago my Mother came over with her boyfriend and was sitting on the couch bad mouthing BD and my kid was sitting right there! I just glared at her but she didn’t notice! I just don’t think she understands by disrespecting the guy in front of my child can affect her to the point where she may think there’s something wrong with her because that’s her Dad! If we think that way about him, maybe we think badly about her?! No, she’s her own person and it’s not her fault that her Dad is the way he is.

My Mom is a very negative person and also very immature. She definitely lacks emotional intelligence. I don’t want my kid around anyone who deems it necessary to talk poorly of others. I don’t think very highly of other one of my parents honestly. I think both of them should be put in a facility and shouldn’t be around anyone. They are both very selfish and toxic people. My Mom mentioned I have an appointment coming up and was quick to dish out excuses so she wouldn’t have to watch my kid. Um, yeah well I didn’t ask. I will get it figured out. I don’t have expectations because then I remove their power to make me mad.

I just want to understand what the point of the phone call was. She has become a stranger yet again but wants to be in my business. I didn’t give her much so hopefully she won’t call again. I just don’t find it comfortable to tell anything negative to anyone anymore. I think a lot of people thrive off your pain and your problems because it makes them feel better about their own. I don’t feel that I really have anyone around me that has genuine interest in our lives and I refuse to give them anything to feed into their gossip.

I think most of the people around me LIVE to get an emotionally charged reaction from me and in the past 3 years, I’ve learned to become less reactive. I could have tears streaming down my face but people will never know. I won’t give people what they want on a silver platter anymore. I just don’t feel the need to let people know that they’ve made me angry. When you remove expectations, you also remove their power. I also think because I’m getting older that I just don’t have it in me to care anymore. I’m quite dead inside. I just care about being as positive as I can and worrying about my daughter and myself.

It’s sad that I was never like this when they’d come around to mooch off me. I didn’t require an emotional reaction before I gave them money.