Toss and Torture in Current Events

I didn’t make it to my bed time and I passed out way too early. It wasn’t even 6 PM. I only needed to hold on for two more hours. My roommate, who is inconsiderate, woke me up with her racket. She is painting her room and needed to smash her paint can at 9 PM with a hammer. I’m so far from tired now it ain’t funny. Also, there is just no way she ain’t an Aries rising. Impulsive. Hot headed. Inconsiderate. Selfish me-monster. Permanent childlike psychology. Aries is the baby of the zodiac. I envy their energy and starting power. It’s wasted on my roommate, the Taurus that won’t do anything unless she feels like it. Nobody feels like it.

It’s one of those nights now where I lay in bed for hours waiting to fall asleep. It’s just me and my thoughts. Running through my fears and my fantasies. It’s been a long ass time since I’ve been in my head like this. What I really want to do is restructure my mindset and review my priorities. Now is not the time, which is weird to say. If I do anything active or productive I will not fall asleep. I have to be at work for 5:30 AM. Then I have class at 5:30 PM. I’m going to be so tired.

I didn’t meal prep today. I had no energy once I got home. I was starving when I got back from taking my grandmother grocery shopping. I binged and watched an episode of The White Lotus and passed out. Oops. It broke my heart to see my friends son visibly struggling with anxiety. I went to his 9th birthday celebration with his family, I’m not their real uncle but they call me uncle. His hands were just shaky. He reminds me of myself at his age.

Remember that Taurus energy I described above? I resent it so much in my roommate because that’s exactly what my problem is. I’m
A Taurus rising. I have a Capricorn sun so I have all that ambition but no starting power. Aries is intercepted in my chart. If I ever get around to finding a site to host my images, I will share my birth chart. My wheel of misfortune. I embody it so hard it scares me. It makes me question free will. It’s like the scene in Westworld where Mauve, the sentient humanoid robot, discovers her coding. Her story was written. Her thoughts and words were laid out in front of her. She tried to change it and malfunctioned, temporarily. She came back online and didn’t need her coding anymore. She because god-like and could control machines after that. Of course, in astrology it’s all about choice. It’s more like a setting and the rest is up to you. Or is it? When you’re not on the right path the universe kicks you in the nuts. Mastering your Saturn placement is the key. It tells us where we need balance, boundaries and discipline. The best version of ourselves is not someone without limits but someone with parameters. When you’re evolved enough you don’t need your horoscope. The stars aren’t supposed to rule us, we rule them.

I’m trying to bore myself to sleep right now. For mental hygiene I have stopped paying attention to politics. Now there is something happening in east Palestine. America is funding both sides, of course. Everybody remains distracted. It’s not women and children crossing their southern border, the US. It’s men of fighting age. There are empty prisons and camps everywhere just ready to go for what nobody can see coming. Gender is the conversation we are to be having though… ugh.

I could read, but I can’t focus. I could play my game… I could doom scroll? I’ll just keep tossing and torture myself until dawn.

I smell something sweet, like a scented candle. There is nothing of the sort in my room. Maybe it’s a spirit? I have a connection to that side but I don’t do anything about it. Scorpio has a heightened sense of smell, unfortunately. My chart is a heavyweight with Scorpio. My memory is extremely vivid as well. I think in pictures. Blah. Time to try and sleep again.