Sunday. in Since OD is shutting down....

We went to the parade yesterday and my daughter got a crap load of candy. The weather was warm and it was sunny. Normally we go and the weather is super cold so it was nice that this time around it was so nice and it was a really fun time.

We still tried to locate the tablet that I ordered and I’m going to have to wait until Tuesday to drive back and see if it’s where it might be. It’s really hard getting packages where I live and that’s why I never order anything from Amazon. I don’t even know if it will still be there on Tuesday because the email stated it needed to be picked up in 5 days. I will try to call but it’s impossible getting to talk to a live person.

We got lunch and some freebies at the gas station because I used my rewards. She got to go hang out with her big sister and I made nachos and had food ready when she got home. I took a shower and just hung out. My brother never did bring my chair and I won’t say anything. People know what they do and I’ve learned to become less reactive to everyone’s bullshit. I honestly believe the people around me LOVE to trigger me and I won’t let them anymore.

We got up super early this morning and got breakfast. I’ve been cleaning and drinking coffee. I got my lab work done on Friday and I’m so glad because I didn’t want to wait. My test results look good except I have high cholesterol and my blood sugars are still kinda high but I knew all this so I’m not shocked.

It’s another warm, sunny day. I’m thinking about taking her to the park at some point. We don’t have plans today or tomorrow. I’d like to just hang out at home but I know she wants to do more than that.

I watched another thing about Chris Watts yesterday. I would just like to know the exact moment that he knew he was busted. I just think it’s crazy how you could love a man, be married to him, have babies with him and he could be plotting to kill you. Again, this is another example why I don’t try to ever find someone. His wife and kids didn’t deserve any of this and it’s pretty sickening that his parents got money from their passing. I really hope him and his family rot in hell. That guy is a completely evil person and doesn’t deserve to laugh. I got into an argument with some dude on Tik Tok because everyone’s signing this petition that he shouldn’t have pictures of his kids in his cell and I believe he should because then he can be reminded everyday what he did to them. They should even blast their voices in his cell every day.

It’s like my kid’s ‘Dad’ I honestly hope that he doesn’t pay CS and he can live with the choices he’s made. I hope that he is working and makes plenty of money where in 6 months, he’ll still be the same POS he is now. He isn’t going to work to actually start paying his own way and getting his life going but he won’t be able to blame it on paying CS. I want him to be selfish with his time and money so then in 6 months or a year when he wants to see his child again, no one can be super shocked when I firmly say no. Let him be what he is. I don’t plan to waste miles on my car, time, and gas to establish the order where he lives because he probably still won’t have to pay and then I’ll be just more pissed off.

Sometimes you just gotta let people do the dumb shit they do because it shows you what they’d rather do. Let them live with their choices but they also get to deal with the consequences. I’m going to make sure that there will be accountability though. My daughter has never had to wait for me to be sober, to be present, or for me to be financially responsible so it’s not exactly fair that she’s spent her whole life waiting for him to get it together.

Everyone is going to have their own opinions and even though I don’t agree with a lot of things my brother says, I accept that he’s toxic too. He acts like this guy should get as much of a free pass as possible but he already has. The only obligation he has to his child is to pay and won’t do that either. My brother says that I just want him to pay my bills and buy me my next car and it’s like yeah and he also owes enough that I could probably buy 3 cars! It’s okay that I’ve taken care of my child by myself all these years and he’s contributed very little. The only reason he’s contributed CS is because they’ve just taken it or to look good for the new supply.

I don’t think that everyone just has the ‘oh well’ attitude but I don’t think anyone looks at this from the right perspective either. Probably because it isn’t them. None of them have ever been a single parent with no support system. It hits a lot harder when it’s your life, your reality.

So next week I have appointments every day except Friday. I meet with some lady on Thursday about weight loss. I’m pretty nervous about it because I don’t want to do surgery. I know they can prescribe stuff and put you on a special diet and if that don’t work, the next step is surgery but I can’t really do that because I don’t have anyone to help with my kid if I were to be in the hospital and don’t know what the recovery time would look like. Again, this deal where there’s no one to ever help with my kid is really stressful.

I had to make an appointment with the spine doctor where it was to be tomorrow but I had to call back and reschedule it for Wednesday because again, it’s not like there’s anyone to help with my kid for any amount of time. Everything has to happen on a school day. I’m pretty sick of all this but I keep in mind at some point she’ll be old enough to be home by herself and it’s going to be glorious never having to worry about it again.

It was shocking that my Mom text me yesterday. It’s normal to not hear from her on weekends. She just asked what I was doing and said they were sitting outside. She never asks about my kid. There’s just no effort but I don’t react anymore. I am really good about just letting things be what they are. You can’t force people and I don’t try. My personality has changed a lot after dealing with so many shitty people. I used to be very reactive, angry, and let everything get to me and now I’m a lot more subdued.

Everyone around me is a narc, they can do no wrong and I won’t waste any more energy to call them out, try to make them feel bad, or be triggered. They know what they are. I do think it pisses them off that I just don’t become angry and waste energy showing how much their actions affect me. These people want to get a certain reaction from me because then they don’t have to feel remorse for the things they do.

I’m friends with this girl that used to work in my kid’s daycare and her BD is a POS too. She likes to talk about how the girls he cheated on her with will still text her and create drama. At that point, I would just change my number. By engaging in it, you are still trying to stay connected to him whether it’s healthy or not. I myself have found myself doing the same until I realized what I was doing and I’ve gotten really good at changing my phone number and hitting the ‘block’ button on Facebook. I could care less what he’s made everyone believe and they can stick up for him if they choose. I don’t care to try and change everyone’s mind. God seen it all and knows the truth and that’s what matters.

So many women fall into this trap where even though the guy ain’t shit, they think they owe everyone involved some type of interaction or explanation. You don’t! Live your life, be at peace, and MOVE THE FUCK ON!!! I know that I’m in a better place with all of this then I was years ago and I will do whatever I have to in order to maintain my peace. I can’t change what happened or how it all worked out but I’ll be damned if I will engage in fruitless conversations and absolute nonsense because it’s not going to help anything!! I will stay wake up a single Mom tomorrow and keep going.

I don’t care to have anything to do with him or try to maintain contact, even if it’s for my child. I’ve seen so many women thinking they need to keep people updated on their children when reality says these people don’t care. I don’t even talk about my child on Facebook nor do I send updates, pictures, or videos of her when people don’t even care enough to ask. Even my Mom doesn’t bother so why would I post my child on social media? I think if people cared, they would show interest.

We’ve been at home all day. My daughter is in the bath. I got a Sam’s Club membership for $15 because I like to shop there sometimes and the gas is cheaper. I’m never one to turn my head when there’s a deal.

It’s sunny and warm. We probably should have gone to the park considering we don’t have long before Winter hits but I just didn’t feel up to it today. We still have tomorrow. We rarely ever just hang out at home and I think it’s good sometimes. I don’t always want to go anywhere because life outside the house is expensive and I really don’t have money to spend. I’m sitting here hoping I’m going to get that stipend sometime next week because I need it. I understand why I didn’t get it last month but hopefully I will this time.

We’ve already eaten dinner so I’ll probably just make her a light snack before bed. She usually doesn’t eat 3 meals in a day. The house is clean and it’s nice to not have to jump up and do something.