Abandon Ship! in My New Life

I woke up this morning feeling amazing. I felt like I did back in my youthful, wild days in my early 20s when feeling good all day was natural(ish). I was Renton again running wild, and lust for life. I am aware of where my good feelings go. When I was in high school I suffered with sometimes crippling depression and anxiety, and somewhere deep inside myself I knew it was my home life, and I had to run. And I did. When I turned 18 I ran and ran and ran. I was like a bat out of hell. I began smoking pot, and tried other recreational activities and I was no longer depressed. Not only was I not depressed anymore, but I was excessively on top of my game in many aspects. I was never really known for being athletic in high school. I played, and usually would win, but I was more of a support for the really athletic players. I was a snowboard instructor. I would ride with the big dogs hitting rails, and back flips over ramps, but I never became good enough to do backflips myself. I would stick to board grabs and so on.

But in college and my early 20s I transformed and became the very athletic player. I had nothing holding me back. I would eventually do self-reflection. Where did this person I am now come from? I love who I am. I find reward in athletics and other activities that were not as important to me before in high school and feeling good was easy!

My self-reflection showed me something. Getting away from my family actually created a physical change in me, and psychological. I was being abused at home. And running away was like fresh spring water from a waterfall. When I am on my own, I can do an intense yoga session and feel amazing! I feel such peace, tranquility, and reward. I can bask in the sunshine soaking in the rays and it literally feel better than drinking alcohol. And a light went on. I was winning in sports in high school. I had a winning baseball team from middle school that would eventually make it to a Babe Ruth League, and I had a reputation as one of the best snowboard instructors at my slopes. That should have satisfied me. I should have been able to go home and bask in the glory of my victory, and it should have been motivation to keep winning. But, when I went home it was like entering a storm cloud of depression. Nothing was satisfying. I was unhappy, and taking verbal abuse, neglect, some physical abuse and more so psychological abuse. It was like all my victories didn’t mean anything to my siblings or father (mom was supportive and proud, but I now realize she was dealing with a similar struggle). My victories were something “out there” with “those people over on the other hill over there”. No one matters to my siblings and father accept themselves. Where I on the other hand find joy in my community and being with people and being a part of things going on.

The same goes for woman. My father never acts proud of the beautiful woman I would bring home. Where I found other fathers would have been proud that their son would date the prettiest girls. My girlfriend in college was literally the envy of her class at the smaller liberal arts University we attended. Like everyone knew her and our relationship. We were the envy of most couples. All the college boys were fighting for her. She was Salutatorian of her high school and pretty enough to be a cheerleader. But, I never remember my father ever seeming proud. Actually, he seems jealous of the pretty woman I bring home like I somehow don’t actually deserve them. The same goes for my brothers. They are all (now dangerously) jealous of me.

All these accomplishments I should feel rewarded.

And now, ever since my father was fired from his job in Texas he has moved back closer. And my sister has moved from Kentucky down here near my mother and I am right back where I was in high school. Working out doesn’t feel rewarding (it finally did this week because I’ve pushed it to an extreme max. Biking twice a day, swimming laps at a pool and working on my dives, digging holes in rock hard clay for hours in the sun two days in a row, and doing Hot Yoga in a sauna 3 days almost in a row. I had to work-out that much just feel the reward I was looking for. Where that rewarding feeling was pretty much my natural state before my father and sister moved close to home.) These last few years with them back has brought that storm cloud of depression into my life. I haven’t felt that “runner’s high” one gets from a good intense yoga session. Instead it feels like I am fighting an endless battle and losing anyway.

The best way I can describe the feeling is like having a coat of armor decorated with all my victories and badges of valor real people have pinned on me. And when I visit my family, they rip them all off like those things never happened, or those folks don’t actually matter and it literally makes me want to sue them because the experience his so harmful to my psychology. They owe me the bills I need to pay for a therapist. Luckily, I’ve gone through it so it so much, I do self therapy and yoga to cut the cost of therapy bills.

I read a book on 5 Types of Personalities that can ruin your life, and a light bulb went on. The book says these folks can actually affect your physical health without making physical contact. That book explained so many confusing issues of my life. Like why my depression could come and go. Or why phases of my life I would lose any interest in athletics and put on extra weight. The source wasn’t internal where I was looking. It was external.

I know why my sister moved down near my mother now. My sister actually hates my mom, and she hates Alabama so why did she move here? She has become grotesquely overweight. She is probably nearing 400 pounds. My mother and I are both in shape and are money makers. My sister and father are like parasites looking for hosts to feed on. They think we owe it somehow to take care of them after they eat so much they can’t do anything for themselves. Food Addiction is expensive. Try bringing your normal snacks around fat people. They’re about ready to eat the table your hummus and olives are sitting on. And they act like they are superior. It’s classic Narcissism. They are superior but they need us. I’m not allowed to leave but the person I am isn’t accepted and I am never good enough no matter what I do.

If things don’t change soon, I literally may have to leave the life I’ve worked hard for. Even my reputation has been tarnished since they’ve moved close. Because they slant any of the good things I do, and focus on the times I’ve made mistakes. I’ve made mistakes. I’m honest with myself, but what I know is that “People who mind don’t matter, and people who matter don’t mind.” (-Dr. Seuss) Any athlete knows that success takes a lot of falling down. Just like snowboarding. I’ve taught many students to snowboard and the one thing they all have in common is they all fall down in the beginning (and later on too!) But, it’s the the ones who keep getting up who are the one’s who make it.

Last updated October 08, 2023